mandag den 9. maj 2016

Another shoe lust!



A shame I don't have that kind of money ! :'D 

lørdag den 13. februar 2016

New medicin and doctors appointment!

Yesterday I had a meeting with my mentor and we booked an appointment with my doctor so he can send a recommendation to the Eating disorder department to get me the right help. I'm super scared but it had to be done at some point. I might not look that sick anymore but it's still a heavy burden everyday and I use a lot of energy on it. Also my psychiatrist wanted to try some other medicin on me since the last one made me feel more ill! D: I also have another doctor appointment next week but that's with a female doctor to have a chat about birth control pills! or whatever is best for me ^^' apparently my previous neighbour wasn't completely honest and there is something going on between us. I don't know what yet but I'd like to find out! He was the one saying to take our friendship slow after I confessed, but not long after he started to take my close off and touching me even more. So yeah it's been more and more for us both for every time, but condoms doesn't work well for him and for me neither so he will be checked soon too. But for me it's not all about the sex it's about how calm I get around him and I feel safe! That's just not what I'm used too from other people so super big for me! Let's see what the future brings! This year a lot is going to happen! I have to find a new apartment! New treatment! Love? getting a flexible job probably to have a more secure economy? New medicin! I hope it will be a better year this time! ^^

I love weddings! Drinks all around!

Today is the big day for one of my best friends! She is also pregnat so har belly is so pretty now <3 I can't wait to see them all dressed up! But eventhough it's a good day and I'm really happy for them, it's also going to be a challange for me, both with a lot of people and food. And at the same time both her sisters are stick thin from natures side no matter what they eat. I haven't been sleeping because my brain keep thinking of ways to handle this day so I can stay for as long as possible. I know I have to take care of myself but they have had a rough time lately so I really wanna be there for her and him because they are always there for me <3

tirsdag den 19. januar 2016

Winter is coming!

Oh wait... it's already here!
Was out walking today ^^ 
So pretty with snow and ice <3 div="" nbsp="">




One of those days

Today I woke up to not being myself. It feels like again it's getting worse, this whole eating disorder has begun to awaken up in me. It's like an itching under my skin that won't stop. 
Scratching, rubbing and pulling my skin to make it go away!
So what triggers me? everything and everyone. No matter where I go it follows me in the shadows, only waiting to show its face so it can make me suffer. 
Sometimes I'm better at keeping it down but lately it's been getting worse. I have to force the food down again eventhough it makes me feel sick and I wanna throw up.
People might look at me and thinking I look like I'm doing good, but in my mind I'm exploding with all these emotions that is almost tearing me apart. 
And suddenly from all these feelings comes the hate and anger. So powerful that you want to hurt or kill something or someone if you had the chance. 
Until you find yourself with the balde in your hand doing the only thing that can ease it all a bit, selfharm... 
Lately it's getting boring and I want more.. 

Why do I long for this deadly creature.....

lørdag den 9. januar 2016

Soulmate

Sucks when you feel you have found your soulmate but finds out the other part doesn't feel the same way.
It was painful to find out that my neighbour apparently didn't feel the same for me. Which is one of my reasons to be a bit quiet and also this whole moving situation has taken its torn on me.
Anyway eventhough he says what he does I somewhat doubt it since he has went straight back to being around me as he used to with cuddling and touching.
I told him that I don't mind but that it would gonna make it more hard for me to try to not feel the way I do about him and at some point I might get stuck in between something uncomfortabe if he finds another.
I think there's something to him that he's not telling and I can only hope that in time he will open up and let me further in. We are still good friends and I'd like to keep it so and I can't help unless he's honest.
Right now I can just hope but not expect... 

lørdag den 26. december 2015

confessed

So after a little more deep and hurtfull talk to my neighbour last night I finally got enough of holding back!
Earlier this day I wrote my feelings for him! It felt good to get it out of my system.
But I still haven't heard a word back from him. I'm nervous as fuck, but it was for the best to let him know eventhough he might not feel the same.

So now I just wait for him to give me an answer at some point...