lørdag den 28. november 2009

To set a new goal

Why is it that every time I see a beautiful picture of a girl who's skinny, I keep on wanting to loose more?
Why can't I just be happy with my body?

I will tell you why.

I'm too draged into this world of almost eating disorder that I can't just get out of it. The fear of gaining weight is scary.
I'm a perfectionist. Not only with my body, but also with my work. It's ruinin´me.
This is the only why for me to be in control, if I'm not in control that will kill me faster.

I can't be happy because of that. I can't be happy because I refuse to accept me as I am.
I live in a different world.
My mind is simply to weak to accept the way things are.

I'm sick
I wanna continue to be it
But somehow wish I could just have that confident in myself.

She won't allow me and I can only follow.
She has the control of me.... because I let her....

It is always a choice....
...... and I made mine

To give in is what kills you. Don't give in and you shall live forever.
(word spoken from the true master <3)

fredag den 27. november 2009

First day of school


I know it's a bit late, but this was how I looked on first day of school ^-^'
18th of november.
Though this was taking when I got back home, so I don't have all my accessories on anymore =O

Ordered <3




Just ordered the necklace above and the dress has already been shipped so hopefully I'll recieve it soon.
And the same goes for the Rabbit bag which I posted a photo of a while ago, it's also ordered!
Can't wait to get my hands in all this stuff.
Depending on how much money I get on Monday, I'll go shop a bit <3

onsdag den 25. november 2009

Long day -_-'

Today has been the most boring day off I've ever had in a long time, so I kind of look forward to go back to school tomorrow. I didn't do all that was planned for today because I woke up so late >_>

But I looked through all my clothes today or most of it. And I found out that I couldn't even fit most of my shirts anymore :__:
So now I really have to buy new clothes.
Hopefully I can sell some of my old stuff so I can get some money for that!
I tried to sew some of the shirts to a smaller size, it helped a bit, but some of them were impossible to do it to. And of course it was the pretty ones I couldn't do it to :__:
So it does have some bad side effects to loose weight.
And I also have this amazing pirate coat that I've had on for like 3 times!! and right now I really feel like wearing it and I can't!!! ARGH! so if I can sell it I will and then buy a new one <3
Today I also Ordered a new dress to my collection <3
and I think that I'll order some shirts from Fan plus Friend on Friday, all depending on how much money I have.

Other then that I've done some work out, watch TV and cleaned the bathroom.
Soon I'll just make my dinner, go shopping for food with my father, then work a bit more out before going to bath and then just relaxe the rest of the evening.

Tomorrow when I get home from school, I think I'll go to our second hand shop to see if I can find anything useful, and then go to the bank and get the money to my sisters present.
Looking really forward to see her on Sunday! ^-^
Though I don't really want to see the rest of my family because they keep complaining about my weightloss and stuff like that and as I've said before it just drives me even further away from my relationship with them.

But ither then that I'm gonna be pretty bussy with homework this weekend! =S
So bussy that I have to cancel my plans for Friday and Saturday. I would probably have done that anyway.
I don't reall feel like being near people right now. I just get more annoyed and the ones I have to see don't get it at all, not any of it. So I would rather not be in the same company with them for some time.


The only one to safe you is yourself

tirsdag den 24. november 2009

Penge forbrug! ^-^'


This is the lovely Teddy-bag from ebay I was talking about buying ^-^'
It is almost mine now, the seller just needs to send it to me, so hopefully I'll recieve it soon!
Can't wait! <3
It looks so nice and soft, so can't wait to have it in my arms.



Fairytale dream


Hopefully this beautiful victorian dress will become mine some day!
I have fallen in a deep love with it.
a pity that it doesn't seem like the seller makes it in any smaller size.
So I don't think I'll ever have it in my closet.
I can only wish for it.
Princess dreams

Dagen i dag

Mit humør er stadig røv dårligt. =/

Og det gør det ikke bedre med alle de lektier vi har fået for. Jeg tvivler næsten på jeg klare mig igennem de her 3 måneder. Jeg håber, men er blevet lidt skeptisk.

Fandt dog ud af en god ting i dag! Jeg var inde at tjekke min SU for at se om der ikke snart gik nogle penge ind og kunne se at jeg sku nok får omkring 1000 kr. mere end hvad jeg havde regnet med <3
Det betyder at hvis jeg er god til at spare så er der flere penge at bruge når vi skal på studietur til Kbh <3
Det fed ved studieturen er at vi ikke er tvunget til at skulle ind og se alle de ting de måske laver planer om, de sagde det var selvvalgt! ^-^ Så kan jeg i stedet være sammen med mine andre venner derover end dem fra klassen, da de ikke rigtigt siger mig noget.
Desuden at være sammen med dem får jeg det faktisk værre og sætter større krav til både mine mål for skolen, men også min kropsvægt.
Og de fatter det ikke. De tror som alle andre at man "bare" lige sætter sit kalorieindtag op og at man bare stopper med at have spiseforstyrrelse. *suk*
Jeg var for naiv!

Det er rart med nogen man kan tale med og en der bare er der for at lytte og prøve at forstå en uden at sige noget til det og blande sig for meget. Bare de er der <3
Dem har jeg ikke mange af, men få har været så dejlige at være der for mig i hårde tider og bare lytte.
Og det er nogen jeg ikke engang har mødt endnu. Den ene møder jeg forhåbentlig en dag snart. Den anden bor i Italien, men han har altid været der og støttet mig.
Og det bedste er hvis de synes det samme tilbage. Jeg tror ikke jeg ville kunne undvære at snakke med dem <3

Imorgen har vi fri <3
Jeg vil ned i byen og se om min bog er kommet, hæve penge så jeg kan give en gave til min søster på søndag. Og bare gå og hygge lidt for mig selv hvis vejret ikke er for dårligt. =/

Har lige været inde på ebay og byde på en sød bamsetaske som jeg håber jeg vinder <3
Og så skal jeg også købe en kjole derinde fra når en gang sælger lige svare på min besked.
Ellers er der også en super flot halskæde som jeg gerne vil have ^-^'
Shopper desværre når jeg er i dårligt humør, så derfor håber jeg det bliver lidt bedre snart for ellers har jeg ingen penge.

faktisk en god ting mere! ^-^'
Jeg målte mig selv med målebånd i dag (igen) og siden sidste har jeg smidt 2 cm. mere om numsen, 1 cm. om armen, og 1 cm. om maven O_o
så mon ikke jeg har tabt mig når jeg går på vægten igen på fredag.
Det frustrere mig bare vildt meget at jeg ikke selv ser det. Jeg ser stadig mig selv som jeg var før jeg blev syg.

But I like being sick.


Vil lave mig en kop te og så finde en god film at se. En der kan få mig i godt humør <3

mandag den 23. november 2009

Wishing for <3


My own Castle, far away. Where I can live a peaceful life.
Surrounded by the most amazing nature, filled with lovely flowers and animals.
Running around in big dresses all day long.
Swordfighting.
Ridding on the back of horses.
Be a little lost Princess.
Singing.


Waiting patiently for the right one to show himself.
The Dark Prince.


Will I ever be saved?


Still in the dark corner

I don't know why that I'm still today is in the dark corner.
I don't feel like being near anyone, because everything people say or do annoys me so badly. I keep wondering to myself how people can be so stupid and igonrant. But of course they wóuldn't know any of it!
Take for an example today. We'll have fish today for dinner, my parents know that I'm dieting, and yet my father buys the fish with the most calories in. Way to go day, you just distroyed my day even more by not thinking a bit more, when you know that exactly that fish is one of the fishes that contains most fat.
I somewho wonder if he did it on purpose because he want me to gain weight again, but what does instead is he makes me not wanna eat and he doesn't realize it.
So in a way you can say they are actually also responseble for making me getting worse.
I wish they would just stop caring and mind their own buisness.
I'm gonna tell them at dinner that I don't want to have this day where we'll eat fish together, or that I HAVE to be the one doing the buying of it so we won't get the wrong fish.

It all just makes me want to move away even more! Be on my own without anyone to get in my way.
I wish I could just tell them all to fuck off and leave it up to me how I wanna live my life.
Because everytime I keep it in, and it feels like the monster in me is getting bigger and more ugly for everytime it happens. I fear that one day it will get out of control and I'll end up doing something stupid that in the end will take my freedom away.

I need to tell the truth to people.

søndag den 22. november 2009

Dreamy Thoughts


To look so beautiful is what I seek

Perfection.
That is what I seek. It's hard to get there, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

So far I've been working so hard, but feels like I'm getting nowhere.
It bothers me.
It pains me.
I'm never satisfired and I fear I'll never be.

It just happen that within this last hour my mood suddenly changed for the worse.

Last year at the same time of the year we're in now, I sat a goal. A goal to loose weight.
I was never fat or that's what some people might say, but I certainly felt fat.
Even though I now that I have lost over 20 kg. since I started I'm still not happy.
I wanna loose more.
I'm addicted. Addicted to this strict diet! I'm living the life of an almost anorexia.
But the weird thing is I love it. I feel it's the only way for me to gain the control that I've lost over the last years of my life.
I let the other side, the me who's here now, take the control.
I locked out every other person in my life.
I didn't need them, I still don't.
It's not that I don't like being around others, because I do, it's just that in general I don't need others.
They don't see it.
They don't feel it.
They just don't wanna think about it and let it in.
But me on the other hand, knowing all these things that others ignore is somehow keeping me from living my life to the fullest because I know too much.

At times the old me poops forth, making me cry, wishing that I didn't make some of these choices, but it's too late to turn back that I know, and I don't wish to turn back and forget.
It is what makes me smarter and stronger.

Others can't help me through it. They can only listen.

Watching myself dying, slowly.

Wishing for me to reach the goal!

First Blog

So finally I got my on Blog online.

I thought it was about time that I got one. I wanted to keep this as a dairy of my life so I can always see how I'm doing and write down memories good but also bad once.
It's all a part of me and can always help me to get better.

That's all for now. ^_^

I'll watch Ugly Betty now and maybe later I'll watch Vampire Hunter D while enjoying a cup of japanese green tea and some apple pieces.