søndag den 22. november 2009

Dreamy Thoughts

To look so beautiful is what I seek

That is what I seek. It's hard to get there, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

So far I've been working so hard, but feels like I'm getting nowhere.
It bothers me.
It pains me.
I'm never satisfired and I fear I'll never be.

It just happen that within this last hour my mood suddenly changed for the worse.

Last year at the same time of the year we're in now, I sat a goal. A goal to loose weight.
I was never fat or that's what some people might say, but I certainly felt fat.
Even though I now that I have lost over 20 kg. since I started I'm still not happy.
I wanna loose more.
I'm addicted. Addicted to this strict diet! I'm living the life of an almost anorexia.
But the weird thing is I love it. I feel it's the only way for me to gain the control that I've lost over the last years of my life.
I let the other side, the me who's here now, take the control.
I locked out every other person in my life.
I didn't need them, I still don't.
It's not that I don't like being around others, because I do, it's just that in general I don't need others.
They don't see it.
They don't feel it.
They just don't wanna think about it and let it in.
But me on the other hand, knowing all these things that others ignore is somehow keeping me from living my life to the fullest because I know too much.

At times the old me poops forth, making me cry, wishing that I didn't make some of these choices, but it's too late to turn back that I know, and I don't wish to turn back and forget.
It is what makes me smarter and stronger.

Others can't help me through it. They can only listen.

Watching myself dying, slowly.

Wishing for me to reach the goal!

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