fredag den 11. december 2009

Confession

I feel that I'm in need of writing down my thoughts.

My confession of eating disorder.

Felling bones sticking out. Everywhere.
Seing them in the mirror, but I can't get enough. It's eating me up, on the outside but also on the inside.
My bones are sticking out from my back, and my ribbs are getting more visuble for every day I spend on this lifestyle.
You can see my chestbone, hips bones, but not as much as I would like to.
I can't sit properly because I'm sitting on my tailbone and the bones in my butt.
My arms are getting thinner, slowly, but it shows on my shoulders and my fingers.
My periode has stopped completely. I'm starting to loose my hair. My skin is draing out.
The only place on my body the disorder doesn't show itself is on my leggs. My stupid fat leggs!
I wish they would just get smaller like the rest of my body, but they don't or at least not as fast as I would like it to.
My weight is only at 52 kg. and I'm 176 cm. tall. But I wish to get down to the weight of 47-48 kg.
It is not much more I wanna loose, comparered to others with ED but it's because I know the danger and I don't want it to kill me. The only thing I'm concerned about is if I will be able to stop?
I seem to like the way I am, but I don't wanna die from it.
I can only wish that when I get to the goal that I'll become more happy with myself, but I fear I won't and then take my weight even further down.
I know at this moment I don't seem to suffer from it, but I do.
All that suffers from an eating disorder, suffers from it in diffirent ways. No one has it the same.

And one more thing, I don't want others to be concerned and bothered about it.
Because it makes me more sick then I already am. I don't need that. And it's getting lonely.

I just wanna be that skinny girl. I don't do this for others. I do it for myself, because I could care less of their oponions about me. What matters is how I feel and how I see myself.

In control. I like looking sick.

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