tirsdag den 7. december 2010


It's been a while since I've been writting a blog so I thought it was about time to write a bit again.

Lately everything has been going like crazy.
I'm almost sitting in a corner crying alone in the dark every night.
I look in the mirror and seing something that I'm not proud of.
I wanna lose the small amout of weight that I have gained again.
I felt so much better there.
At least at that point I could look at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw.
Now I almost cover up the mirror because I can't bear to look at myself.
I'm the only one who sees all the fat.




This is what I wanna go back to.
I love the bones <3
They feel so nice.
I hate that I have made the promiss to myself that I would take it slowly.
But that is the best way for me.
I really don't care what other think of this, because this is what I like.
And if it can help me to feel better it's worth it.

I just feel like since I have started going to see a psykologist everything has gotten worse.
My mind has become more fragile.
I don't even wanna get up and dress up in the morning.
I have completely lost myself.
Flying around in missery and a pain that won't seem to go away.
Life has no purpose and it never had for me.

The only thing at the moment that keeps me going is my best friend Mette <3
She is like a sister for me.
Caring and is always there when I need her.
She is the only one who seem to understand me.
Others try, but it only makes things worse.

But other then that I have started working at one of my fathers friend.
It's okay, but today I'm not feeling well so I don't know how long I'll stay. I guess it's better to give it a try.

Because of my metale state I also got to the conclussion that I had to break my relationship with a friend of mine in Rome, for some time.
I told him that I needed to do this for myself to get better, and he totally accepted it.
I told him that if I get better I'll write to him again.
He was pleased to hear that.
But it also means that I have to stop my talking with Hecate and I'll have to stop my ritual with her. But I'll still try to get in more contact with my demon.

But I can't write anymore at the moment because I have to go to work.

Take care out there!

torsdag den 28. oktober 2010

Cold

On the inside and the outside.

I feel nothing.
I'm I heartless?

The only thing I do feel, is giving up on everything, and just eat myself to death.

Why am I even still fighting?
Nothing good ever comes out of it.

mandag den 25. oktober 2010

Lost Motivation...

I'm so sick of life that I can't even get up in the morning and put on some nice clothes.
I have so much lovely clothes, but because I feel so crappy and hate the looks of myself in the mirror I can't dress properly anymore.
I'm just waiting for the joy to dress up to come back to me.

Mirror mirror on the wall how is the fatest and disguesting of them all?
The mirror answeres: You are! you are!

fredag den 22. oktober 2010

Fear

You float in a million lights
but the one seek is not ther
you fight in a million fights
but it's youself you cannot bear

You think you are unevil
but you turn everyone away
you think you are a creature
but you can't turn night into day

There is something inside of me
and I know that it is calling.
That thing that will forever be
and I feel its chapter coming.

It is the fear that drives you mad
it is the fear that makes you blind
it is the fear that keeps you sad
it is the fear that kills your mind.

You think you can make things grow
but in truth you're like a desert
you think it's not your ego
and that others break you up
you have learned how to desive
and it's yourself all you can hear
you think you really believe
but deep down you are only fear.

There is something inside of me
that makes me run against the wall...

It is the fear that eats you up
it is the fear that makes you cry
it is the fear that takes you down
it is the fear that will not stop....

A lost child....

.. crying out loud,
can't take this pain anymore,
tears running down my face with no where to go... other then futher down.

Shacking with fear,
lurering around every corner.
In silence suffering.
This is not worth living for....

Breaking all the rules,
never ending battle rages on.
No where to go
No where to hide
Living in lies...

Darkness inside,
feeding on my mind
Distroying my life..

The child will never find it's way back home....

mandag den 18. oktober 2010

Standby

That's what I have felt like today. I've been cleaning most of the day. So I haven't really had any thoughts to think things through.
I guess that is good in some way.

I have a meeting this Wedensday with my psycologist. I don't what to expect this time. I have to bring some photos with me of my grandfathers. Apparently they also play some game in this depression.

I don't know anything. I just feel empty inside.
I don't know what I want. I don't know what I like anymore.
I don't know how to be truely happy. Nor feel pain for others and comfort them.
I'm just a shell. An amor with no warrior inside to fight the battle.
I don't know where I wanna go with my life.
I feel defited. I have know idea of where I'm going anymore. I don't feel love for anything or anyone.
I don't seem to know what type of job that I want. And I fear every step outside I take.
I don't even feel like seing friends anymore. Eventhough they are close to me, I can't seem to feel any connection to them.
I've become so much more afraid of life that I'm completely shoting down.
I don't know how to tell people that. When I try to I become so overwhelmed and burst out into tears.
It's way easier to write things down.
Maybe I should write them a letter that tells them a bit of how I feel inside.
But after the last letter I wrote to my parents they became so sad a cried themselves.

I think I'll start on that letter now.

lørdag den 16. oktober 2010

Stuffed

I really hate that feeling!
Makes me wanna purgde and just cry out through the whole night.
Which I'm pretty sure I will!

I don't think that I'll ever go back to my work again after my long break.
I simply can't focus on it and small things makes me cry or get a panich attack.
I hate being a burden for my parents because I can't seem to live a "normal" life like others, and that makes me more sad.
Even though my father says I'm not.
That's one of the reasons why I wanna move, but at the same time I don't think I'm ready to take that step.
I just don't want to be a burden for them anymore, and I wanna start a new place away from here. I don't think how much moving away means to me.

I feel scared of life. Scared of myself and the harm that I can do not only to myself but to others.
I have a demon inside of me who's fighting to get out and kill. I sometimes wanna give in to her, but I'm not fully connected so my body is not ready to make that move.

It hurts. Everywhere.
I can't sleep properly at night. And evertime I wake up in the morning I feel tired all the time because I fight so much in my dreams.
I push everyone away from me. I have reached the point where I don't even wanna dress myself up in the morning.
My psycologist asume that I'm beginning to move on and letting go of an older version of me, but he doesn't seem see that I've gotten worse. Of course he doesn't know how I was before, but I know that it's worse. I haven't done so much harm to myself as I have been doing this past year.

I just feel like giving up. I have no purpose to live. I never had that.

My head is spinning around.
I will always be in pain.

tirsdag den 12. oktober 2010

New bling cover *-*


Today I received this awesome rhinestone cover for my cellphone <3
It's soooo pretty <3
I really want some more, but there's not many covers for my phone =/

I have also got my extensions, but the color didn't fit what was shown on the picture from the seller, so it doesn't fit my hair color at all, so I'm thinking about selling them.
Still waiting for some packages.
And I finally started to write stories again! I wrote two pages this evening.

My scars on my arm hurts, but it's better to have an outer pain then to feel the inner.
And while cooking today I burned my hand. So more pain for me. *lucky* O_o'

I'm also tired of everything (as people might have noticed lol)
So I have been completely ignoring my father.
I hope he gets the message of this deep silence and distance I'm keeping.

Well that's all for now.
Actually feels good to be writing again here on my blog!

lørdag den 9. oktober 2010

Hip som hap og mors fødselsdag.

Var ved psykolog i torsdags i Århus og shoppede lidt inden jeg tog ind til ham. Og her er noget af det jeg fik fingrende i:


Denne sjove bamse fra BR som jeg længe har villet have fordi den siger en sjov lyd når man trykker den hård på maven xD



En super dejlig hue fra accessories plus et par karrusel øreringe som man ikke kan se så godt på det her billede.
Så købte jeg den sorte t.shirt i NewYorker
Den hvide t-shirt og den sorte lange strik trøje er købt i H&M
Og den sorte og pinke er købt i Vero Moda


Alle disse sko er dog ikke købt på en gang men købt de sorte lak sko i Deichmann torsdag og de to andre par sjo er købt hos Paw Sko over to gange og det sidste par er købt i Aalborg.



Eftersom jeg ikke selv kunne være med til min mors fødselsdag igår fordi jeg ikke kan lide mange mennesker og alligevel ikke spiser usunde ting så lavede jeg denne fødselsdagskage til hende ^-^
Den var vist et hit <3 De skrev i hvert fald til mig at den smagte fantastisk.
Chokoladekage med hvid chokoladecreme i midten, derefter overtrukket med chokolade glasur og pyntet med chokolade roser og blade.
Synes selv den blev ret pæn.

Long time witout anything :S

Once again I feel like crap!
Seems like it is a never ending pain no matter what I try to do.
My head is spinning around and I can't seem to focus anymore.
I feel like I'm standing at the end of a cliff and I have the choice if I should take the easy way and just jump and end it all or turn around and take the long hard round through the fire burning?
Lately I've been thinking about the first choice =/
I often wonder why I was picked for this?
I just keep waiting for my time, but I'm soon gonna run out of it.
No one seem to understand it.
Nothing makes me happy.
I just wanna cry by myself in the dark, but I still have a bit in me that want's to fight.
The thought of that I have gained weight is killing me slowly because I don't like what I see in the mirror.
But I do see that I'm slowly losing some of it again and I know that I have promissed myself that I would do it the right way this time, I can't deny the that I still have the bad thoughts about just to stop eating again.
I don't get the support that I need from my family, but I can't bear to say it to them. I just end up dissapointing them, but I guess it shouldn't matter since I tend to do that a lot because I'm not like the others in my family.
I just wanna get away.
So I have been looking for apartments, so I can move away from everything, but everytime I show my father what I have found he just say the same things, "Shouldn't you wait to you have a job?" I could but then I will never get away. And staying here where I am now just makes me get worse. They just don't see it.
But when my father returns tomorrow I'm determent to convince him that it will be good for me to move, and I have already found some apartments. I just hope he will support me, but I don't expect to.

To make things worse, I had a horrible dream this night. I dreamt that my grandmother died. And soon. I have never felt like that after I woke up as I did today. And somehow some of my dreams tend to become real so I really fear for her since she has been sick a lot lately D=
I hope I'm not right!

I feel like purging =/
But I don't want to do that anymore either!

I guess I don't want to live anymore.
I feel like he has abonded me! I miss him and I want him to return to me and comfort me. Huging and raping me in the dark.
Please come back to me and never leave my sight, I'm nothing without you <3
I wanna fight the battle side by side with you. You are all to me!

tirsdag den 28. september 2010

Hatting myself even more...

It gets worse everyday.
The medicin does help but only for some time, I can't keep hiding behind it and it will just make things worse in the end anyways.

I did a bit of overeating just now so I feel like I wanna burst out in tears and I'm already making myself through it up again because I can't bear the pain and the thought of the food in my stomach.
I know the I haven't got over the 2000 calories but I have gone over 1000 and it's still way too much.

I haven't been overeating for almost two month now so I don't know what tricked it to happen just now.
But I got so bad that I tost out all of the food in the end and now I'm purking it all up to get better again.

why is it that the pain just don't wanna go away?

torsdag den 26. august 2010

bla bla...

So tomorrow will be my last day at school. Or well, not quit., I'm gonna go to school Monday also to get some papers signed and say goodbye.
I'm really gonna miss many of them, so I'll go visit them from time to time to check on how they're doing.
It's actually not my "last" day, but due to my situation with my mental state my psychologist thinks it's a good idea for me to take some time off.
So early Monday morning I'll call my doctor to signed some papers for me that my school/work can have so I can withdraw from work for a short periode. Because I get my doctors approval they can put me on a list so I can return after some time if I get better.

Hopefully some things will get better soon.

I bought a present for my parents today. It's not much but just a little thanks from me for being there and really wanting to help me.
But they won't get it now, not yet, because I wanna write a letter too, so I have to think a bit about what to write.

Also I'm looking so much forward to Tuesday! I'm gonna go to Århus where I'll meet up with one of my very good girl friends and shop <3
I haven't seen her since March so it's gonna be sooo exciting to see my beautiful girl again <3

well I think I'll go get ready for bed now, so take care all you crazy people out there!

søndag den 22. august 2010

Do they know?

.... that I'm going down in weight again?
I have a little idea that my father have noticed. He's beginning to look at me in a weird way again.

But he can't stop me.

tirsdag den 17. august 2010

Tired

I just don't feel like I can take it anymore.
My mind is getting worse and since I've gained a bit weight I can't even look at my self in the mirror.
It makes me cry every time because I don't see my bones as much as I used to and I want to again.
I haven't been on the scale for 2 weeks and today I felt so bad that I couldn't take it anymore so I had to see if something had happen.
Yeah sure I have lost 3 kilograms again but I still need to through some more to get to the weight that I wanna stay at.
It's just hard when your family doesn't understand how mental ill I have become because I'm not aloud to be at my wishing weight.
But they can't stop me, not anymore. I make my own rules and make my own life and if I wanna be at that low weight I'm gonna do it.
I have just made up my mind to do it in a more healthy weight through food instead of not eating.
I'm just like everybody els, I want it to go away fast.
My health is better since I have started to eat more. I'm now able to go out and do some more extreme sport which I'm glad for.

I wanna get my weight back to 45 kg.! and no one can stop me!
Not my doctor, my medicine or my family and friends, so stop interferring!

Herja

tirsdag den 20. juli 2010

Thanks!.......

for making everything so much worse than it already is!

I have started my new medication and it's totally fucking me up.
I have gained weight, which I'm determent to loose again, I'm even more sad than before and tend to break down over nothing.
And because of this overeating this last month I've started to puke it up again because I feel so bad after it.

I just wanna go back to how it was before and regain my control of what I'm putiing in my mouth, so from today I won't be broken like I have been lately, no matter what my parrents say.

I will loose those 4 kg. again and I need to loose them fast so I can get better!

onsdag den 16. juni 2010

Getting crazy!

These last few days I have been completely out of track!! I can't seem to focus and my eating habbits have been a disaster! I haven't seem to care and just been stuffing myself.
So now I feel really down and at the egde of crying every moment I look at myself in the mirror because I see myself getting fatter and fatter!
I don't wanna go back to where I was before! x_x
I would rather die!
And stepping on to the scale and see that I have gained 2 kilograms because of it scares the hell out of me.
I really just wanna stay at 42 kilograms all the time and feel the bones on my back, my hips and my stomach but I just feel like it's all gonna go away soon if I don't stop eating like crap and get myself back on track to before!

I feel so miserable right now!
It's all just falling apart! I just wonna die!!

søndag den 13. juni 2010

New eyes

Så skal jeg til Kolding på fredag og have tjekket mine øjne, om jeg kan få laser operation <3

Godt nok koster det 20.000,- kr. men det ville være dyre i længden med linser har jeg regnet mig frem til.
Så tager et lån hos min far nok, og betaler så ham tilbage med et fast beløb om måneden. Eller nogen dage kan jeg betale mere end andre.
Man kunne godt få det lavet på afbetaling hos GodtSyn, men ved at det er hos min far jeg låner pengene slipper jeg for gebyr og renter, så det bliver billigere for mig.
Det er også rart at jeg faktisk allerede har fået sat en dag af til hvornår jeg skal opereres <3 og det ligger heldigvis i min ferie så jeg slipper for at være fraværende fra arbejde.
Desværre kan man mine forældre ikke være der nogle af gangene for mig, så min bror må hoppe ind i stedet for hvilket jeg godt kan synes er lidt træls da min far har mere styr og er lidt mere grundig med tingene.
Nu skal jeg bare rende rundt og ligne en spade med briller til fredag fordi kontaktlinser kan gå ind og påvirke resultaterne de får ved undersøgelsen.
Jeg hader at gå med briller -_-

Wauw det er længe siden jeg har lavet en blog hmmm..

lige nu har jeg det faktisk nogenlunde, jeg synes stadig det er svært for mig at sætte mit kalorie indtag op! og desværre fik jeg et ALLLTTT for stort tilbage fald i mine gamle vaner og overspiste. Og nu har jeg det virkelig dårligt med det og føler virkelig at det bare allerede har sat sig på sidebenene selvom jeg godt ved at kroppen ikke fungere på den måde men det skræmmer mig stadig virkelig meget. Jeg vil gerne holde min vægt på de 42-43 kg. nu (tror jeg)
Jeg ved slet ikke hvad jeg vil længere. Det er som om det ikke er hvad vægten siger længere, men hvad målebåndet siger og hvor meget jeg kan se mine blodårer og knogler.

Why is it so pretty?

Det eneste "gode" ved det er at jeg faktisk ikke har frosset i dag eller jeg er begyndt at fryse lidt igen, men ikke i starten af dagen og jeg har kunnet cykle bedre på min motionscykel og kom til at svede lidt af det. Jeg har ikke svedt det sidste halve år!
Var underligt, men jeg brød mig ikke om den fulde mavefornemmelse for det var nærmest mere kramper fordi min krop slet ikke er vant til alt den mad D=

I'm not gonna fail agian!


Skal nok prøve at se om jeg kan opdatere lidt oftere igen! ^^'

mandag den 10. maj 2010

Soon !

I'm gonna get my mouth pierced some day during this week!!

Getting pretty excieted! I hope it'll look good on my. If not, then I'm lucky it's not gonna be that expensive.

torsdag den 6. maj 2010

Løsning!

Ja, jeg har endelig fundet en løsning på hvorfor mine led har været fyldt med væske ophobninger og hvorfor mit ansigt har været hævet!
Det føles rart at man har kunnet finde grunden, så nu kan jeg endelig gøre noget ved det.
Det har nemlig ikke noget med min kost at gøre overhovedet (anoreksi)
Det har noget at gøre med mine bulimi tendenser. Hvis jeg føler jeg har spist noget forbudt tager jeg en overdosis af piller for at få det hurtigst muligt ud af kroppen, fordi jeg ikke rigtigt kan kaste op endnu. De piller som jeg har taget er en af bivirkningerne.
Heldigvis har jeg fundet en anden mulighed, plus jeg skal lærer at kaste op.

Så nu er jeg glad. Nu behøves jeg ikke at sætte mit kalorieindtag særlig meget op, for tanken om det skræmmer mig lidt og har ikke så meget lyst.

Nu må vi vente og se hvad der sker.

Men jeg vil hoppe tilbage til arbejdet!

Glæder mig som et lille barn til at modtage min første løn <3

Busy busy...

lørdag den 1. maj 2010

Enough..

I've had enough!
I just had one of my crazy times where I've eaten to much. I feel horrible now, I think I'll through up soon!
My body simply can't handle it eventhough I only godt around 400 calories.
I don't want to keep on forcing my body anymore.
Instead I'll keep on living with anorexia, it's eaiser to control for me.

I feel really sick =/

Wish I could have been born with a body like this <3


(But I'm not, and for that I'll have to suffer)

fredag den 30. april 2010

Weigh in...

Yeah I finally did that not that long ago today. I haven't been on the scale for two weeks now. I'm trying not to step on it that often so I won't be too dissapointed and to get a better result.
To my surprise it was lower than expected. Yay for that <3
I was at almost 43 kilograms, so that makes me really happy. I was actually very surprised about it especially since I have gained so much water in my body because of my low weight. It simply won't leave.

Sorry about the long wait for a new blog. I don't know what has gotten into me these last weeks, but I didn't feel like blogging at all.
But today is the day xD

Haven't really been up to that much. Still looking for work, but luckely I'll start back at my school this monday so I can earn some money again. I have been without money for over a month now and it has been really tough. I haven't been able to go anywhere, see anything new or buy that much new stuff. So I'm really looking forward to begin doing something again.

Hmm what more..
Oh yeah my sister will come visit us today <3 haven't seen her in ages so should be fun ^-^
I think I'll ask her if we should go to a local bar to hang a bit out or maybe go watch a movie together.
My brother is also here, he's been undergoing some surgery with his foot so he can't walk properly and his girlfriend is not home to help him get around and take care of their baby, so we're helping a bit out.

UH! and I have found the most amazing secondhand furniture store! So when I get some money I'll take my father with me and go buy a lot of new furnitures out there <3 can't seem to wait. I need some new changes in my room and also not as heavy as some of those I have right now. It'll be easier to move them around when I finally will get my own apartment.

That should be it for now so take care out there !

torsdag den 25. marts 2010

Danish blog today!

Ja, i dag bliver det altså lige på dansk xD

Har ikke blogget længe, men synes ikke rigtigt der har været noget at blogge om, udover nye ting jeg har købt men venter stadig på lidt små ting så venter lidt med at uploade billeder og gå i detaljer.
Men damn hvor er det skønt at vejret er blevet godt igen <3 Jeg har så meget savnet at kunne gå en tur uden at man skulle fryse ihjel. Har slet ikke været ude at gå hele vinteren fordi det har været så koldt. Så det er rart at være tilbage igen til den tid hvor det er muligt.
Jeg har heller ikke rigtig haft overskud til at gå i loli pga. af kulden så det glæder jeg mig også til at kunne igen til hver dag <3 Har virkelig savnet at stadse mig op i fine kjoler.

Har desværre ikke så meget at lave lige nu, eftersom jeg hverken går i skole længere og ikke har fundet elevplads/arbejde endnu. Og skolepraktik starter først til maj så der bliver en lang periode hvor jeg ikke skal lave noget udover søge efter arbejde. Det er lidt træls ikke at have nogen indtægt og kommer til at blive hårdt.
Det tager også hårdt på min psyke ikke rigtigt at have noget at lave i længden. I stedet træner jeg endnu mere men spiser mindre. Det er ikke godt når jeg skal arbejde mig frem på at spise mere og blive rask igen. Det er underligt at tænke på at jeg har været syg med spiseforstyrrelse i snart et år.
Jeg vil stadig gerne veje 43 kg. men min vægt står virkelig stille og det har den gjort i snart en måned, men så længe jeg ikke tager på kan det ikke gå helt galt. Jeg vil bare gerne se lidt mere af mine knogler.
Det værste ved det er at mine ankler er begyndt at hæve op O__o Har godt læst om det på google, men det ser virkelig weird ud og gør en smule ondt nogle dage når det er virkelig slemt, men det er kun når jeg fryser de hæver op, så jeg skal bare sørge for at holde mig ordentlig varm ^-^

Glæder mig også til imorgen! Skal på Billa med Tanja <3 Vi har ikke været i byen sammen længe (endnu en gang pga. kulden) Så bliver godt at se hende igen og tage i byen og have lidt fun sammen, selvom jeg ikke drikker.
Derudover tager de gamle til London i næste uge i påsken *-* så har hele huset for mig selv i 10 dage. Jeg ville klart gerne have været med men nu er det en "voksen tur" de har arrangeret med min moster og onkel så måske en anden gang.

Uhhh plus der er det sidste afsnit af det nye top model i aften! Håber det er Nicole der vinder! Synes hun er smuk.

Nåh men jeg skal se om jeg ikke kan blogge lidt mere fremover. Så slipper jeg også for de her lange blogs xD
Sorry if you got bored along the way .__.

mandag den 15. marts 2010

Small update

It's been a while since I've been blogging.
Haven't really been in the mood.

Still feel crappy about myself.
Still got no job, and still I've got no apartment.

Just seem to go wrong for me every time.

My friend from Rome is not doing well either because his mother just paste away. I feel so sad for him and wish I could be with him to comfort him, but sadly I'm stuck here.
Lately he introduced me to one of his witch friend! He have told her a lot about me and some of the experiences that I have had and she took a deep interrest in me.
She's going to teach me witchcraft now <3
We have already started to preparing for the first ritual.
I'm really excited, so can't wait for the next fullmoon.
One of the most importent things was my name. So I have had to change it.
I'm no longer the same Amy as I used to be. My name is now Herja.
I hope the demon summoning will go well.


I'm doing a bit tomorrow luckely. I'm going on a trip to Germany with my father and grandmother so that should be a bit fun hopefully.

And it was actually my Birthday saturday the 6th of march, but nobody was really at home and I didn't feel like having any company so I didn't have a birthday party, which was quit nice ^-^
But then againg then I didn't get any presents and I really love presents.

Oh well I'll head of to bed and dream of my prince (and the skinny leggs that I so desparetely want)

fredag den 26. februar 2010

Disappointed

Er virkelig skuffet over mine karakter indtil videre! .__.

Har fået et 4 tal både i EØ og i IT.
Er tilfreds nok med at have fået 4 i EØ for synes det fag er møg svært, men ville godt have haft et 7 tal i IT da jeg synes det er en del nemmere. Jeg ved godt at det er 7 på den gamle skala og det er sådan rimelig godt, men det er bare det når man siger 4 så lyder det så skide nedern.
Jeg hader virkelig den nye skala form.

Alt går bare i ged for mig lige for tiden.

Jeg kan ikke klare mine eksamener med en ordentlig karakter, selvom jeg virkelig prøver.

Min krop synes ikke den vil tabe sig mere selvom jeg nærmest spiser mindre og motionere mere end aldrig før. Virkelig belastende. Det er virkelig frustrende at jeg ikke kan få vægten endnu længere ned! .___. 43 kg. kom til mig! I really want it. Fat go away!

Derudover har en af mine bedste venner fra Italien lige mistet sin mor til kræft, så det er mega sørgeligt.

I dag var vi til prøve i salg og service og det gik fint nok men er mega irriteret over at jeg ikke nåede at svare på alle spørgsmål så der får jeg sikkert også en lorte karakter.

Og jeg kan ikke rigtig komme ordentligt i gang med min Powerpoint til min afsluttende eksamen på Onsdag, så der fucker jeg sikkert også op i det.



Har mest af alt lyst til bare at bryde sammen i gråd fordi jeg bare ikke magter noget af det. Sidde og slå mit hovede ind i en væg af skam over hvor dum, klam og grim jeg er.
Jeg har bare lyst til at forsvinde ind i ingenting.
A pitchblack hole all alone.

lørdag den 20. februar 2010

I know...

.... I shouldn't, but I'm going to see if I can loose two more kg.

My turn

Yeah, now it was my turn to get sick.

During the start of this week it were my parents laying sick, but now it is me.
Everything I'm eating is just coming out of me right away again.
So today I haven't been eaten anything yet.

It feels good somehow since I hate eating.

fredag den 19. februar 2010

OMFG!


This picture here of Madonna is so fucking fake that I can't believe my own eyes.
There's no way in hell she looks that good.
Yeah okay maybe like 50 years ago but not now and we all know that.
Just thought I would share it, since I just saw it on google.
She's posing for LV in this picture (or that's what it says idk)

I'm just amassed on how much retouching they have done with this picture. O__o

Weigh in today

Yeah that's today and it was at 45 kg.

tirsdag den 16. februar 2010

Update


Thought it was about time I came with a little update on what I have been getting home these last few days.

I know I'm a big money spender, but that happens in bad periodes when I feel down.
I got my new wig home, which you can see is pink <3
So I took a new photo with me wearing it.

This next one is the love. I adore my new stuff <3
especially the AP milky chan scarf! *-*
soooo soft!




Then I got four pair of socks and two cake rings from a shop on ebay called "Refuse to be normal"
They actually have a lot of great things there <3


Last but not least I went to go shop in "Tiger"
Their Nuddles only contains 70 calories per packagde <3
So I can live on them forever and not gain any weight hopefully, and they taste great.

søndag den 14. februar 2010

Best dream ever


Yeah that was what I had the other day <3

I had the biggest pleasure of meeting Maki and Asuka, the two designers behind Angelic Pretty <3 They were just absolutly amazing! *-* Both in their outfits! and they were so nice and down to eath. Went to a lot of their live shows, tea party. And after that I had a chat with them more privat, were they handed out lots of presents from their brand to me! Holy F...! I couldn't believe how much stuff they gave me! A happy pack, skirts, a dress, like two pair of shoes and I don't know how many accessories *-*



Sooo sad when I woke up from that dream only to find out that I didn't had all that stuff .__. *sob*


And yet again this night I actually had a good dream <3 but that one I'm not gonna tell, since it has a more private meaning to me than anything els. ^^

lørdag den 13. februar 2010

No name......

Feeling down...
Everything is just so fucking messed up.

Wish I could just leave this world. I'm tired, oh so tired.
Nothing is the way it should be.

When will it be enough for me? When I'm at 43 kg. or when I reach some weight like 39 kg.?

I'm so afraid.

Old pictures of me, hunting me everyday, both at night and at a wakening state in daytime.

It's going so slow
I want it to go faster.

Or do I really just wanna take it so far that they will put me at a hospital?
Will they do it too late then?

At times I just feel like giving up, but in the end I'm not willing to do it, no matter how hard I try.

Hard to stop when all you see in the mirror is something you don't like.
It's hard to stop when everyone around you are on diets to loose weight, because then you also wanna push yourself to loose more.



It's a sickness you don't just get rid of.


You can try, but it will always be there. Just around the corner, waiting for a moment of weakness.

I'm simply just not strong enough.........

fredag den 5. februar 2010

:___:

Til helvede med mig selv!!! Jeg hader mig selv mere end noget andet!
Hvorfor virker intet på mig? Arrrgh det kan gøre mig så gal!

Er fuldstændig urolig indeni fordi min vægt kan irriterer mig så groft!

Hvorfor er jeg ikke en petit lille pige i stedet for en overfed klam sæk.

Håber på, at ved at gøre mig selv syg her i weekenden kan jeg komme ned på 45 kg.!
Det skal bare virke for jeg er ved at dø over det hver gang jeg går på vægten.

Men ja, vægten kommer længere ned i sidste ende for nu synes jeg ikke 43 kg. lyder så slemt.

When will I stop killing my body ?
Aldrig! for inderst inde kan jeg jo godt lide det.

torsdag den 4. februar 2010

Fat and ugly!

That's how I feel right now, or rather most of the time.

tirsdag den 2. februar 2010

test today! x_x

Yeah today we had one of our final test at school x_x
It almost killed me! But as long as I pass I think I'll do fine. I had sooo much trouble with the first part of it and it took the most of my time so I dodn't had that much to the other projects which sucks because then I won't get that good grades.
:__:

And worse is it started to snow like crazy!
but if it continues I'll stay home tomorrow or well I'll do that anyways xD
I'm doing it because I wanna start on my other school project and get done with that and do really good!
I've done good the last few of them so hopefully this one won't be going totally bad =)


So I can stay up late today and do a lot of exercise <3
I wanna bike for 10 km.
make 200-300 sit ups
some push ups
and maybe if I'm not to tired bike a bit more.

Hm I also bought some new pills today which should help me to pass my food (or at least the bit I'm eating) fast through my body system.

Hopefully I'll work.

mandag den 1. februar 2010

weight...

I hate that and I feel like I'm gaing weight! (though I'm probably not only time will tell)

Just looking at some anorexia movies on youtube and makes me feel like pushing myself more.

If they can do it, so can I.

Love using money

I really do! =D
But somehow I always do it when I feel a bit down =/
So yesterday when I felt like crap I ordered
4 pairs of socks from Refuse to be nomale, and two cake rings from the same seller, and then a baby pink wig <3

I've found even more that I want, but I'll wait a bit with that.
I really wanna see if I can't find the Milky Chan dress somewhere! It's so amazing <3

I'm still totally annoyed with this body of mine =/
I will never be able to love it.
I wanna pull my weight even further down now.
So I don't think I'll be able to stop when I have reached the 45 kg. (which is not good for a 176 cm. tall girl >.<)

Like I care what others might think, as long as I will become happy.

lørdag den 30. januar 2010

Feeling down yet again

When will it stop! I'm really pathetic!
I feel bad.
I feel like I wanna purge.
I've eaten chocolate today and it makes me feel crappy to know that I have!
Why is it so hard to get out of this sickness?
I'm going to bike for 20 min. more because I feel so bad.
I don't even think any of it looks pretty anymore. I don't know what pretty is or what it means.
My stomach feels big and makes me feel weird inside.

Going to punish myself for this because it's the only thing I know that I can do to make me feel better.

Home again


Yep, I am now finally home again from my trip with my class.
The first thing I bought was this (1'st pic) Angelic Pretty dress from Leechy <3 She even put a little extra gift in the bag for me! =D She's such a sweet girl!

After that I went crazy shopping xD (though I didn't use that much money on it <3)

a black jacket, 3 T-shirts, 2 winter hats, black headbow, and a winter scarf

then these shoes <3 and these 2 cupcake porcelean cups


I also finally got my Vampire Hunter D vol. 4
<3 Think I'll read it tonight!



mandag den 25. januar 2010

Milky Chan

I finally found the Angelic Pretty Milky Chan print OP!!!! <3
but damn it's even more expensive than what it originally was on AP's own website! But I really want it and they don't have it anywhere els -_-
I found it all thanks to Rosie <3 I really owe her for telling me)
So hopefully I can afford it when I get money on Friday!

if not I'll have to wait and if Closet-child may get it some day. Hmm just don't know how long I can wait xD

I really wanna shop right now! but it'll have to wait till Wedensday. And I need more pink clothes in my closet! It's really become my favourit colour <3 So I need more hahah =D
But I actually also have some stuff I want from F+F and Bodyline so we'll see how much money I get to spent there in the end.
Uh and then the Manga shop finally got Vampire Hunter D 4 home, and they said they would nortify me and put one a side, but I haven't heard any shit from them and now it's sold out on their website!! It makes me angry! grr

Blaaah got a meesage from my friend from school today, we have a 2 tests next week D=
it sucks, but nothing that can be done about it. I just really hate it, I get all nervous and freak out.

I bought some more chocolate today, weird, I know, since it's never gonna be eaten because I'm so sick and fucking afraid to gain weight, even though I'm at 47 kg. now
Why does it have to be so hard for me to let a bit more go.
I know that a body consumes between 80-150 calories pr. hour by just sitting still.
So I really don't know why I find it so damn hard to just eat more when I know all the things I know.
In the end it's just becuase I'm so afriad that i won't allow myself to eat more, and because I don't wanna go completely back to where I started where I just wanted to eat anything. Then I'd rather be sick as I am and live of 250 calories a day.

fredag den 22. januar 2010

Inspiration

Just wanna show this super beautiful headdress from closet-child's website.
It's one of BBTSB pieces <3
gonna make one like this one day soon when I have the material for it.

Still AP is my favourit brand <3
I really wish for the Milky skirt! *-*
And also this new outfit came out on their update site! super cute coordination! (^-^)
Today we had a project in IT, but my friend and I couldn't concentrate on the subject so we desided that next weekend I'll visit her and then we'll do some work on it instead.
but we're also going to work a bit on it at home or rather write down ideas and then put it together somehow.
Can't believe school is over soon.
I'm really freaking out, since I haven't found a job yet D=
and I totally fear exams! :_:
I almost get blackouts!
But I try not to think about it too much which is hard when you have like 2 or 3 normal weeks left of school and rest it holiday, and two weeks of exam project.

I guess as long as I pass everything is okay, but I also really wanna do well so people can be more pround of me.
And maybe through the focus away from my weight for awhile so people won't be able to tell that I still wanna loose weight and still is (hopefully)
I have absolutly no idea what my weight is at, at the moment, but I'll get on the scale this Sonday. I really fear that I haven't lost anything eventhough I've been training like hell almost. I've worked out every day for I think more then an hour, plus I've been eating regulary over the day just in small portions so I got the 250 calories a day (I know it's not much) but that's how it is to be sick .__.
Though I wanna try harder to eat more it's just not possible at the moment. So I'll just have to live with it until I'm finally ready to give a bit more in.
I keep wondering why everybody els is allowed to be skinny without anyone commenting it?
and how they keep so thin is a riddle to me. I know I wasn't born with small bornstructure and it saddens me all the time because it kills me on the inside.
But these last few days have actually been okay and I haven't been TOO sad about my look.
So maybe I'm getting better at some point?


torsdag den 21. januar 2010

More wonderful gifts for me *-*





Today my packaged from Bodyline arrived <3



damn it's a nice phone <3


just a picture of all my phones xD
My DoCoMo N95i
My Sharp sh-o1a
and the Nokia N97

I think I'll shift between them once in a while ^-^

tirsdag den 19. januar 2010

Packages for me <3



Yay I finally recieved my two packages today <3
The first one was from the ebay store; Refuse to be normal
The one under was from a private seller from Japan.



As you can I recieved two pairs of socks <3 Those are from Refuse to be normal.
The other is a warm Angelic pretty winter scarf <3

The seller even wrote this littel sweet note for me (^__^);
Thanks!!

Yesterday I was in town and got this teddy <3
It was so cute that I couldn't resist getting it!


I have also been a bit creative and made this cupcake headbow =)


Other then that I have really been obssed by watching "supersize vs. super skinny"
That show is amazing.
It makes me wanna continue loosing more weight <3
I'm finally beginning to accept my illness.
I have felt good about it. Eventhough I still trick my parrents so they think I eat more.

I actually went to my doctor today to talk thoug it was about something els, and I also thought she would be commenting on my weight, but she didn't, luckely.
Maybe because I had this big sweater on.

I'm sure my moms gonna ask if she said anything to it because she really wants me to get help.

oh well, that's all for now.

fredag den 15. januar 2010

Tried...

... but once agian I failed

I think it is impossible for me to return to a more "normal" life...

onsdag den 13. januar 2010

Pjække dag ^-^'

Ja det var lige det jeg gjorde! =D
Magtede simpelthen ikke at skulle i skole og have IT en hel dag. De lavede vist ikke noget alligevel så det er jo fint nok.

Så i stedet har jeg haft en hel shoppe dag, selvom jeg egentlig ikke måtte bruge penge. Brugte dog ikke mange eftersom det er januars udsalg.

Startede ud ned i vores egen by hvor jeg købte, hvorpå jeg så senere tog til Horsens med min mor for at handle en gave til min veninde. Også købte vi lidt småting der også men dem betalte min mor <3



1 stk. Hello Kitty make-up taske 10 kr.
1 stk. slik/isvaffel make-up taske 10 kr.
et par sorte briller (uden styrke) 10 kr.
Mobil taske 10 kr.
Hello Kitty spænder 10 kr.


Så fandt jeg to par sko i kvickly =O
gave i alt for dem begge 125 kr. !
det var billigt og jeg kunne ikke modstå det.


I Kvickly fandt jeg også strop toppen, dog et nummer for stor men det er lidt lige meget, til 75 kr.
den anden fandt jeg i H&M og er betalt af min mor, den kostede 129,99 kr.



Og så var vi Bahne for at finde gave til min veninde, som dog ikke er med her. Men til mig selv købte jeg disse 4 vidunderlige æsker <3 15 kr. stk.!!!
jeg tror næsten jeg skal have flere ^-^

I alt af det jeg har købt i dag har jeg betalt de 210 kr. selv


Uhhh når jeg en gang får min nye mobil skal jeg altså have det her dejlig cover til den xD


Ellers har jeg lige afsendt min ansøgning til Odense Zoo om en kontorplads ^-^
Håber jeg kommer til jobsamtale <3


Hm og så skal jeg til at begynde at meditere. Må se om det ikke kan hjælpe mig til at få en bedre selvtillid og slappe lidt mere af.


tirsdag den 12. januar 2010

Case 2 !!

I dag fik vi vore anden Case/projekt tilbage i salg & service!!!
Og min lå til 10-12 tal!!!

yayness! (^-^)

mandag den 11. januar 2010

New phone?

Spurgte lige far om han havde kigget efter tilbud hvor Nokia N97'ern var billigst så jeg kunne begynde at spare sammen.

Troede jeg ikke han havde, men det havde han sørme! ^-^
Så håber lidt jeg er heldig og kan få den <3

Plus han snakkede noget om at han synes jeg skulle have den nye computer han lige havde bestilt hjem til sig selv O__o
wtf sker der for at han er i sit gavmilde hjørne ? xD

Hm endnu en gang tror jeg bare han tror han kan købe sig til at jeg bliver gladere og vil spise mere igen, men sådan fungere det jo ikke.
Men tjah det gør mig nu ikke noget. Hvis han gerne vil forkælde mig må han gerne, synes bare det er lidt akavet =S

But I hope to get the phone <3

Inner Battle

Kunne simpelthen ikke holde mig fra vægten, da jeg kom hjem fra skole i dag.
D=
Ved slet ikke hvad jeg skal gøre.
Er så skrækslagene over at jeg nu ligger på 48 kg.
Men samtidig presser jeg mig selv længere ned.

Jeg vil gerne, men kan ikke. Jeg tør ikke.
Jeg kan godt lide at være syg, men så alligevel ikke.
Kæmper hele tiden med mig selv, om hvad jeg kan klare og hvad jeg ikke kan.
Hvad der er rigtigt og forkert.
Det er det hele værd, ingen tvivl om det, men når jeg sidder sammen med andre og spiser kan jeg næsten ikke.
Jeg føler mig grådig og ender med at smide min mad ud.
Det er spild, det ved jeg.
Hvorfor er det at jeg ikke kan se mig selv som tynd. Jeg får det faktisk værre af at være i skole, fordi jeg ender med at sætte så høje krav til mig selv og mit udseende.
Når jeg er sammen med de andre, som er ret normale i udseende, føler jeg ikke det er nok.
Det er ikke tyndt nok, pænt nok, og gør at jeg presser mig selv til det yderste.
Selv når jeg ser nogle billeder af folk med anoreksi på youtube eller google finder jeg dem ikke tynde nok.
Er ved at blive opslugt i en verden af kaos. Men af en eller anden grund finder jeg fred i dette kaos.

Hvorfor var jeg ikke bare født tynd.
Jeg skræmmer mig selv nogle dage.

Jeg skræmmer andre.
Dog bliver jeg ved med at holde dem i det skjulte. Snyder dem. For det er det jeg er bedst til.
Jeg føler mig tykkere og tykkere for hver dag der går.

So afraid to eat.
Can I pull myself down to the weight of 45-46 kg.?
Only time will show.
But how much time do I have left. ?

Nail design


Er helt vild med disse Nail designs <3
Ville ønske jeg havde tid og tålmodighed til at lave det på mine egne negle, men har jeg bare ikke.
Så jeg misunder dem i stedet *-*









Mixed update


Jep sådan så jeg så ud i fredags i skole. ^-^;
Lidt kedelig, men det er så koldt at jeg slet ikke har lyst til at have mine fine kjoler på udenfor.
D=


Igår lagde jeg ny neglelak, mens jeg sad og så Baronessen flytter ind xD
Stenet, I know, men der var ikke lige noget andet spændende at lave.



I dag valgte jeg så at trodse vejret lidt at hoppede i noget swett/causel lolita.
Outfit rundown
Skirt: F+F
Shirt: offbrand
Stockings: Femme Fatale
Leggwarmers: offbrand
Headbow: F+F
Accessories: F+F, Bodyline, Glitter.


Så fik jeg også gjort mit værelse lidt mere færdigt igår, da jeg fik min venindes sminkebord! <3
Er rigtig glad for det ^-^
Så har jeg et noget at mindes om hver morgen jeg vågner, og jeg ved jeg ikke lige kan se hende ='(


Og så lige et random billede af min stumtjener med alle mine tasker på xD
Gik lidt amok med at rydde op her i weekenden.

*Suk*
Fik endelig set New Moon, OG DAMN hvor er jeg skuffet over den!
Super dårlig i forhold til Twilight!
Synes virkelig at hende der spiller Bella, spiller hende så dårligt og jeg har bare lyst til at slå hende.

Ellers er jeg i fuldt gang med at skrive ansøgning til en kontorelev stilling i Odense! <3
Jeg håber så meget på jeg får den!
Så gør mig virkelig umage med den. For den skal bare være perfekt. ;__;

Er virkelig træt af ebay xD (på den gode måde)
Jeg vil så gerne shoppe derinde, men fordi man skal til Kbh, så kan man ikke!
Har lavet en liste over alle de steder jeg skal besøge i fællesskab med Mette <3
(og måske min veninde Manna, som jeg skal mødes op med)

Femme Fatale, Blackno. 1, FaraosCigar, + diverse andre fede butikker på studiestræde.
På strøget skal jeg i NewYorker, Bianca sko, H & M, + diverse accessories og tøj butikker.
Derudover skal jeg i asian shops og Build a bear.
Så vil jeg også se om vi kan komme op en tur i Pariser hjulet ^-^
Og skal nok se Nationalbanken.
Og hvis det er muligt vil jeg gerne ind i det Kongelige teater.

Nu blev den her blog vist lang nok.
Men har faktisk mere jeg gerne vil skrive men dem laver jeg lige hver for sig.