lørdag den 30. januar 2010

Feeling down yet again

When will it stop! I'm really pathetic!
I feel bad.
I feel like I wanna purge.
I've eaten chocolate today and it makes me feel crappy to know that I have!
Why is it so hard to get out of this sickness?
I'm going to bike for 20 min. more because I feel so bad.
I don't even think any of it looks pretty anymore. I don't know what pretty is or what it means.
My stomach feels big and makes me feel weird inside.

Going to punish myself for this because it's the only thing I know that I can do to make me feel better.

Home again


Yep, I am now finally home again from my trip with my class.
The first thing I bought was this (1'st pic) Angelic Pretty dress from Leechy <3 She even put a little extra gift in the bag for me! =D She's such a sweet girl!

After that I went crazy shopping xD (though I didn't use that much money on it <3)

a black jacket, 3 T-shirts, 2 winter hats, black headbow, and a winter scarf

then these shoes <3 and these 2 cupcake porcelean cups


I also finally got my Vampire Hunter D vol. 4
<3 Think I'll read it tonight!



mandag den 25. januar 2010

Milky Chan

I finally found the Angelic Pretty Milky Chan print OP!!!! <3
but damn it's even more expensive than what it originally was on AP's own website! But I really want it and they don't have it anywhere els -_-
I found it all thanks to Rosie <3 I really owe her for telling me)
So hopefully I can afford it when I get money on Friday!

if not I'll have to wait and if Closet-child may get it some day. Hmm just don't know how long I can wait xD

I really wanna shop right now! but it'll have to wait till Wedensday. And I need more pink clothes in my closet! It's really become my favourit colour <3 So I need more hahah =D
But I actually also have some stuff I want from F+F and Bodyline so we'll see how much money I get to spent there in the end.
Uh and then the Manga shop finally got Vampire Hunter D 4 home, and they said they would nortify me and put one a side, but I haven't heard any shit from them and now it's sold out on their website!! It makes me angry! grr

Blaaah got a meesage from my friend from school today, we have a 2 tests next week D=
it sucks, but nothing that can be done about it. I just really hate it, I get all nervous and freak out.

I bought some more chocolate today, weird, I know, since it's never gonna be eaten because I'm so sick and fucking afraid to gain weight, even though I'm at 47 kg. now
Why does it have to be so hard for me to let a bit more go.
I know that a body consumes between 80-150 calories pr. hour by just sitting still.
So I really don't know why I find it so damn hard to just eat more when I know all the things I know.
In the end it's just becuase I'm so afriad that i won't allow myself to eat more, and because I don't wanna go completely back to where I started where I just wanted to eat anything. Then I'd rather be sick as I am and live of 250 calories a day.

fredag den 22. januar 2010

Inspiration

Just wanna show this super beautiful headdress from closet-child's website.
It's one of BBTSB pieces <3
gonna make one like this one day soon when I have the material for it.

Still AP is my favourit brand <3
I really wish for the Milky skirt! *-*
And also this new outfit came out on their update site! super cute coordination! (^-^)
Today we had a project in IT, but my friend and I couldn't concentrate on the subject so we desided that next weekend I'll visit her and then we'll do some work on it instead.
but we're also going to work a bit on it at home or rather write down ideas and then put it together somehow.
Can't believe school is over soon.
I'm really freaking out, since I haven't found a job yet D=
and I totally fear exams! :_:
I almost get blackouts!
But I try not to think about it too much which is hard when you have like 2 or 3 normal weeks left of school and rest it holiday, and two weeks of exam project.

I guess as long as I pass everything is okay, but I also really wanna do well so people can be more pround of me.
And maybe through the focus away from my weight for awhile so people won't be able to tell that I still wanna loose weight and still is (hopefully)
I have absolutly no idea what my weight is at, at the moment, but I'll get on the scale this Sonday. I really fear that I haven't lost anything eventhough I've been training like hell almost. I've worked out every day for I think more then an hour, plus I've been eating regulary over the day just in small portions so I got the 250 calories a day (I know it's not much) but that's how it is to be sick .__.
Though I wanna try harder to eat more it's just not possible at the moment. So I'll just have to live with it until I'm finally ready to give a bit more in.
I keep wondering why everybody els is allowed to be skinny without anyone commenting it?
and how they keep so thin is a riddle to me. I know I wasn't born with small bornstructure and it saddens me all the time because it kills me on the inside.
But these last few days have actually been okay and I haven't been TOO sad about my look.
So maybe I'm getting better at some point?


torsdag den 21. januar 2010

More wonderful gifts for me *-*





Today my packaged from Bodyline arrived <3



damn it's a nice phone <3


just a picture of all my phones xD
My DoCoMo N95i
My Sharp sh-o1a
and the Nokia N97

I think I'll shift between them once in a while ^-^

tirsdag den 19. januar 2010

Packages for me <3



Yay I finally recieved my two packages today <3
The first one was from the ebay store; Refuse to be normal
The one under was from a private seller from Japan.



As you can I recieved two pairs of socks <3 Those are from Refuse to be normal.
The other is a warm Angelic pretty winter scarf <3

The seller even wrote this littel sweet note for me (^__^);
Thanks!!

Yesterday I was in town and got this teddy <3
It was so cute that I couldn't resist getting it!


I have also been a bit creative and made this cupcake headbow =)


Other then that I have really been obssed by watching "supersize vs. super skinny"
That show is amazing.
It makes me wanna continue loosing more weight <3
I'm finally beginning to accept my illness.
I have felt good about it. Eventhough I still trick my parrents so they think I eat more.

I actually went to my doctor today to talk thoug it was about something els, and I also thought she would be commenting on my weight, but she didn't, luckely.
Maybe because I had this big sweater on.

I'm sure my moms gonna ask if she said anything to it because she really wants me to get help.

oh well, that's all for now.

fredag den 15. januar 2010

Tried...

... but once agian I failed

I think it is impossible for me to return to a more "normal" life...

onsdag den 13. januar 2010

Pjække dag ^-^'

Ja det var lige det jeg gjorde! =D
Magtede simpelthen ikke at skulle i skole og have IT en hel dag. De lavede vist ikke noget alligevel så det er jo fint nok.

Så i stedet har jeg haft en hel shoppe dag, selvom jeg egentlig ikke måtte bruge penge. Brugte dog ikke mange eftersom det er januars udsalg.

Startede ud ned i vores egen by hvor jeg købte, hvorpå jeg så senere tog til Horsens med min mor for at handle en gave til min veninde. Også købte vi lidt småting der også men dem betalte min mor <3



1 stk. Hello Kitty make-up taske 10 kr.
1 stk. slik/isvaffel make-up taske 10 kr.
et par sorte briller (uden styrke) 10 kr.
Mobil taske 10 kr.
Hello Kitty spænder 10 kr.


Så fandt jeg to par sko i kvickly =O
gave i alt for dem begge 125 kr. !
det var billigt og jeg kunne ikke modstå det.


I Kvickly fandt jeg også strop toppen, dog et nummer for stor men det er lidt lige meget, til 75 kr.
den anden fandt jeg i H&M og er betalt af min mor, den kostede 129,99 kr.



Og så var vi Bahne for at finde gave til min veninde, som dog ikke er med her. Men til mig selv købte jeg disse 4 vidunderlige æsker <3 15 kr. stk.!!!
jeg tror næsten jeg skal have flere ^-^

I alt af det jeg har købt i dag har jeg betalt de 210 kr. selv


Uhhh når jeg en gang får min nye mobil skal jeg altså have det her dejlig cover til den xD


Ellers har jeg lige afsendt min ansøgning til Odense Zoo om en kontorplads ^-^
Håber jeg kommer til jobsamtale <3


Hm og så skal jeg til at begynde at meditere. Må se om det ikke kan hjælpe mig til at få en bedre selvtillid og slappe lidt mere af.


tirsdag den 12. januar 2010

Case 2 !!

I dag fik vi vore anden Case/projekt tilbage i salg & service!!!
Og min lå til 10-12 tal!!!

yayness! (^-^)

mandag den 11. januar 2010

New phone?

Spurgte lige far om han havde kigget efter tilbud hvor Nokia N97'ern var billigst så jeg kunne begynde at spare sammen.

Troede jeg ikke han havde, men det havde han sørme! ^-^
Så håber lidt jeg er heldig og kan få den <3

Plus han snakkede noget om at han synes jeg skulle have den nye computer han lige havde bestilt hjem til sig selv O__o
wtf sker der for at han er i sit gavmilde hjørne ? xD

Hm endnu en gang tror jeg bare han tror han kan købe sig til at jeg bliver gladere og vil spise mere igen, men sådan fungere det jo ikke.
Men tjah det gør mig nu ikke noget. Hvis han gerne vil forkælde mig må han gerne, synes bare det er lidt akavet =S

But I hope to get the phone <3

Inner Battle

Kunne simpelthen ikke holde mig fra vægten, da jeg kom hjem fra skole i dag.
D=
Ved slet ikke hvad jeg skal gøre.
Er så skrækslagene over at jeg nu ligger på 48 kg.
Men samtidig presser jeg mig selv længere ned.

Jeg vil gerne, men kan ikke. Jeg tør ikke.
Jeg kan godt lide at være syg, men så alligevel ikke.
Kæmper hele tiden med mig selv, om hvad jeg kan klare og hvad jeg ikke kan.
Hvad der er rigtigt og forkert.
Det er det hele værd, ingen tvivl om det, men når jeg sidder sammen med andre og spiser kan jeg næsten ikke.
Jeg føler mig grådig og ender med at smide min mad ud.
Det er spild, det ved jeg.
Hvorfor er det at jeg ikke kan se mig selv som tynd. Jeg får det faktisk værre af at være i skole, fordi jeg ender med at sætte så høje krav til mig selv og mit udseende.
Når jeg er sammen med de andre, som er ret normale i udseende, føler jeg ikke det er nok.
Det er ikke tyndt nok, pænt nok, og gør at jeg presser mig selv til det yderste.
Selv når jeg ser nogle billeder af folk med anoreksi på youtube eller google finder jeg dem ikke tynde nok.
Er ved at blive opslugt i en verden af kaos. Men af en eller anden grund finder jeg fred i dette kaos.

Hvorfor var jeg ikke bare født tynd.
Jeg skræmmer mig selv nogle dage.

Jeg skræmmer andre.
Dog bliver jeg ved med at holde dem i det skjulte. Snyder dem. For det er det jeg er bedst til.
Jeg føler mig tykkere og tykkere for hver dag der går.

So afraid to eat.
Can I pull myself down to the weight of 45-46 kg.?
Only time will show.
But how much time do I have left. ?

Nail design


Er helt vild med disse Nail designs <3
Ville ønske jeg havde tid og tålmodighed til at lave det på mine egne negle, men har jeg bare ikke.
Så jeg misunder dem i stedet *-*









Mixed update


Jep sådan så jeg så ud i fredags i skole. ^-^;
Lidt kedelig, men det er så koldt at jeg slet ikke har lyst til at have mine fine kjoler på udenfor.
D=


Igår lagde jeg ny neglelak, mens jeg sad og så Baronessen flytter ind xD
Stenet, I know, men der var ikke lige noget andet spændende at lave.



I dag valgte jeg så at trodse vejret lidt at hoppede i noget swett/causel lolita.
Outfit rundown
Skirt: F+F
Shirt: offbrand
Stockings: Femme Fatale
Leggwarmers: offbrand
Headbow: F+F
Accessories: F+F, Bodyline, Glitter.


Så fik jeg også gjort mit værelse lidt mere færdigt igår, da jeg fik min venindes sminkebord! <3
Er rigtig glad for det ^-^
Så har jeg et noget at mindes om hver morgen jeg vågner, og jeg ved jeg ikke lige kan se hende ='(


Og så lige et random billede af min stumtjener med alle mine tasker på xD
Gik lidt amok med at rydde op her i weekenden.

*Suk*
Fik endelig set New Moon, OG DAMN hvor er jeg skuffet over den!
Super dårlig i forhold til Twilight!
Synes virkelig at hende der spiller Bella, spiller hende så dårligt og jeg har bare lyst til at slå hende.

Ellers er jeg i fuldt gang med at skrive ansøgning til en kontorelev stilling i Odense! <3
Jeg håber så meget på jeg får den!
Så gør mig virkelig umage med den. For den skal bare være perfekt. ;__;

Er virkelig træt af ebay xD (på den gode måde)
Jeg vil så gerne shoppe derinde, men fordi man skal til Kbh, så kan man ikke!
Har lavet en liste over alle de steder jeg skal besøge i fællesskab med Mette <3
(og måske min veninde Manna, som jeg skal mødes op med)

Femme Fatale, Blackno. 1, FaraosCigar, + diverse andre fede butikker på studiestræde.
På strøget skal jeg i NewYorker, Bianca sko, H & M, + diverse accessories og tøj butikker.
Derudover skal jeg i asian shops og Build a bear.
Så vil jeg også se om vi kan komme op en tur i Pariser hjulet ^-^
Og skal nok se Nationalbanken.
Og hvis det er muligt vil jeg gerne ind i det Kongelige teater.

Nu blev den her blog vist lang nok.
Men har faktisk mere jeg gerne vil skrive men dem laver jeg lige hver for sig.

lørdag den 9. januar 2010

AP picture - blog


Fik lige lyst til at lave en lille blog fyldt med inspirerende billeder fra Angelic Pretty <3
Det er klart et af mine favorit mærker!






De har lavet så mange super flotte ting!
(dog også en masse total kiksede/grimme ting xD)

fredag den 8. januar 2010

Keeping no promises

No matter how hard I wanna try to eat normal again, I just can't seem to do it.

I keep on messing with their heads. Making them think that I eat more food, eventhough I don't.

I'm really in a inner battle with myself to make this into a succes, but it's really hard work.

Especially when I'm so afriad of gaining wait as I am.
I'm almost at 48 kg. at the moment and I still keep on pushing myself further down.

I just don't see myself as others see me. No matter what I do I keep on seing this big person in the mirror.
It's almost unbareble.

I will try even harder on Monday to make this better.

More lies


Today has actually been a nice day. I thought it was going to be long and boring, but instead it was short and exciting ^-^
We had IT (information technologi) where we had to try some new stuff in a Word document, and after that create our own website! I had a lot of fun during that. And when we had done that we got the rest of the day off <3
So I have cleaned a bit more, been sewing, working out, and have going soooo crazy to Michael Jackson xD
I don't know why, but I have been dancing like an idiot to his music all day long lol.

oh well, I'll go dance some more xD
and then watch Yumeiro Patissiere and Kimi ni todoke <3


Have a wonderful evening <3

torsdag den 7. januar 2010

Mixed Pictures



Så modtog jeg endelig min Angelic Pretty kjole <3
Den er bare super lækker at have på *-*
Ender med at blive helt modemærke addicted xD



I dag har jeg haft fri, så har haft rigeligt med tid til at hygge og nusse lidt.
Så fik ryddet lidt op. Og lavet denne headbow ^-^
Jeg ryddede op i mit skab (igen) Og fandt en masse tøj/loli kjoler som jeg selv havde lavet som jeg simpelthen ikke kunne passe mere og der var en sløjfe på, så lavede jeg den om til denne headbow i stedet.
Har klippet to kjoler om så de kan laves til nederdele, plus to nederdele mere som skal syes ind, så har rigeligt at give mig til imorgen ^-^

Forleden modtog mor vores pakke fra Oriflame som til mig inde holdte:
Date deo
Neglelak fjerner
Foundation (som dufter af æbler *-*)
sort mascara
Så pyntede jeg min gamle DoCoMo N95i ^-^;



Jeg må bare eje de sokker her <3
They are soo damn cute!
Så dem må jeg bestille snart eller vente til jeg kommer hjem fra Kbh. Must have them!


Uhh fik lige en besked fra mig veninde som flytter til Bornholm næste weekend, og hun spurgte om jeg ville have hendes make-up bord *-* OMG! self vil jeg det! har altid drømt om sådan et!
Damn jeg kommer til at savne hende ;__;

well I guess this blog turned out longer than expected xD