torsdag den 28. oktober 2010

Cold

On the inside and the outside.

I feel nothing.
I'm I heartless?

The only thing I do feel, is giving up on everything, and just eat myself to death.

Why am I even still fighting?
Nothing good ever comes out of it.

mandag den 25. oktober 2010

Lost Motivation...

I'm so sick of life that I can't even get up in the morning and put on some nice clothes.
I have so much lovely clothes, but because I feel so crappy and hate the looks of myself in the mirror I can't dress properly anymore.
I'm just waiting for the joy to dress up to come back to me.

Mirror mirror on the wall how is the fatest and disguesting of them all?
The mirror answeres: You are! you are!

fredag den 22. oktober 2010

Fear

You float in a million lights
but the one seek is not ther
you fight in a million fights
but it's youself you cannot bear

You think you are unevil
but you turn everyone away
you think you are a creature
but you can't turn night into day

There is something inside of me
and I know that it is calling.
That thing that will forever be
and I feel its chapter coming.

It is the fear that drives you mad
it is the fear that makes you blind
it is the fear that keeps you sad
it is the fear that kills your mind.

You think you can make things grow
but in truth you're like a desert
you think it's not your ego
and that others break you up
you have learned how to desive
and it's yourself all you can hear
you think you really believe
but deep down you are only fear.

There is something inside of me
that makes me run against the wall...

It is the fear that eats you up
it is the fear that makes you cry
it is the fear that takes you down
it is the fear that will not stop....

A lost child....

.. crying out loud,
can't take this pain anymore,
tears running down my face with no where to go... other then futher down.

Shacking with fear,
lurering around every corner.
In silence suffering.
This is not worth living for....

Breaking all the rules,
never ending battle rages on.
No where to go
No where to hide
Living in lies...

Darkness inside,
feeding on my mind
Distroying my life..

The child will never find it's way back home....

mandag den 18. oktober 2010

Standby

That's what I have felt like today. I've been cleaning most of the day. So I haven't really had any thoughts to think things through.
I guess that is good in some way.

I have a meeting this Wedensday with my psycologist. I don't what to expect this time. I have to bring some photos with me of my grandfathers. Apparently they also play some game in this depression.

I don't know anything. I just feel empty inside.
I don't know what I want. I don't know what I like anymore.
I don't know how to be truely happy. Nor feel pain for others and comfort them.
I'm just a shell. An amor with no warrior inside to fight the battle.
I don't know where I wanna go with my life.
I feel defited. I have know idea of where I'm going anymore. I don't feel love for anything or anyone.
I don't seem to know what type of job that I want. And I fear every step outside I take.
I don't even feel like seing friends anymore. Eventhough they are close to me, I can't seem to feel any connection to them.
I've become so much more afraid of life that I'm completely shoting down.
I don't know how to tell people that. When I try to I become so overwhelmed and burst out into tears.
It's way easier to write things down.
Maybe I should write them a letter that tells them a bit of how I feel inside.
But after the last letter I wrote to my parents they became so sad a cried themselves.

I think I'll start on that letter now.

lørdag den 16. oktober 2010

Stuffed

I really hate that feeling!
Makes me wanna purgde and just cry out through the whole night.
Which I'm pretty sure I will!

I don't think that I'll ever go back to my work again after my long break.
I simply can't focus on it and small things makes me cry or get a panich attack.
I hate being a burden for my parents because I can't seem to live a "normal" life like others, and that makes me more sad.
Even though my father says I'm not.
That's one of the reasons why I wanna move, but at the same time I don't think I'm ready to take that step.
I just don't want to be a burden for them anymore, and I wanna start a new place away from here. I don't think how much moving away means to me.

I feel scared of life. Scared of myself and the harm that I can do not only to myself but to others.
I have a demon inside of me who's fighting to get out and kill. I sometimes wanna give in to her, but I'm not fully connected so my body is not ready to make that move.

It hurts. Everywhere.
I can't sleep properly at night. And evertime I wake up in the morning I feel tired all the time because I fight so much in my dreams.
I push everyone away from me. I have reached the point where I don't even wanna dress myself up in the morning.
My psycologist asume that I'm beginning to move on and letting go of an older version of me, but he doesn't seem see that I've gotten worse. Of course he doesn't know how I was before, but I know that it's worse. I haven't done so much harm to myself as I have been doing this past year.

I just feel like giving up. I have no purpose to live. I never had that.

My head is spinning around.
I will always be in pain.

tirsdag den 12. oktober 2010

New bling cover *-*


Today I received this awesome rhinestone cover for my cellphone <3
It's soooo pretty <3
I really want some more, but there's not many covers for my phone =/

I have also got my extensions, but the color didn't fit what was shown on the picture from the seller, so it doesn't fit my hair color at all, so I'm thinking about selling them.
Still waiting for some packages.
And I finally started to write stories again! I wrote two pages this evening.

My scars on my arm hurts, but it's better to have an outer pain then to feel the inner.
And while cooking today I burned my hand. So more pain for me. *lucky* O_o'

I'm also tired of everything (as people might have noticed lol)
So I have been completely ignoring my father.
I hope he gets the message of this deep silence and distance I'm keeping.

Well that's all for now.
Actually feels good to be writing again here on my blog!

lørdag den 9. oktober 2010

Hip som hap og mors fødselsdag.

Var ved psykolog i torsdags i Århus og shoppede lidt inden jeg tog ind til ham. Og her er noget af det jeg fik fingrende i:


Denne sjove bamse fra BR som jeg længe har villet have fordi den siger en sjov lyd når man trykker den hård på maven xD



En super dejlig hue fra accessories plus et par karrusel øreringe som man ikke kan se så godt på det her billede.
Så købte jeg den sorte t.shirt i NewYorker
Den hvide t-shirt og den sorte lange strik trøje er købt i H&M
Og den sorte og pinke er købt i Vero Moda


Alle disse sko er dog ikke købt på en gang men købt de sorte lak sko i Deichmann torsdag og de to andre par sjo er købt hos Paw Sko over to gange og det sidste par er købt i Aalborg.



Eftersom jeg ikke selv kunne være med til min mors fødselsdag igår fordi jeg ikke kan lide mange mennesker og alligevel ikke spiser usunde ting så lavede jeg denne fødselsdagskage til hende ^-^
Den var vist et hit <3 De skrev i hvert fald til mig at den smagte fantastisk.
Chokoladekage med hvid chokoladecreme i midten, derefter overtrukket med chokolade glasur og pyntet med chokolade roser og blade.
Synes selv den blev ret pæn.

Long time witout anything :S

Once again I feel like crap!
Seems like it is a never ending pain no matter what I try to do.
My head is spinning around and I can't seem to focus anymore.
I feel like I'm standing at the end of a cliff and I have the choice if I should take the easy way and just jump and end it all or turn around and take the long hard round through the fire burning?
Lately I've been thinking about the first choice =/
I often wonder why I was picked for this?
I just keep waiting for my time, but I'm soon gonna run out of it.
No one seem to understand it.
Nothing makes me happy.
I just wanna cry by myself in the dark, but I still have a bit in me that want's to fight.
The thought of that I have gained weight is killing me slowly because I don't like what I see in the mirror.
But I do see that I'm slowly losing some of it again and I know that I have promissed myself that I would do it the right way this time, I can't deny the that I still have the bad thoughts about just to stop eating again.
I don't get the support that I need from my family, but I can't bear to say it to them. I just end up dissapointing them, but I guess it shouldn't matter since I tend to do that a lot because I'm not like the others in my family.
I just wanna get away.
So I have been looking for apartments, so I can move away from everything, but everytime I show my father what I have found he just say the same things, "Shouldn't you wait to you have a job?" I could but then I will never get away. And staying here where I am now just makes me get worse. They just don't see it.
But when my father returns tomorrow I'm determent to convince him that it will be good for me to move, and I have already found some apartments. I just hope he will support me, but I don't expect to.

To make things worse, I had a horrible dream this night. I dreamt that my grandmother died. And soon. I have never felt like that after I woke up as I did today. And somehow some of my dreams tend to become real so I really fear for her since she has been sick a lot lately D=
I hope I'm not right!

I feel like purging =/
But I don't want to do that anymore either!

I guess I don't want to live anymore.
I feel like he has abonded me! I miss him and I want him to return to me and comfort me. Huging and raping me in the dark.
Please come back to me and never leave my sight, I'm nothing without you <3
I wanna fight the battle side by side with you. You are all to me!