lørdag den 9. oktober 2010

Long time witout anything :S

Once again I feel like crap!
Seems like it is a never ending pain no matter what I try to do.
My head is spinning around and I can't seem to focus anymore.
I feel like I'm standing at the end of a cliff and I have the choice if I should take the easy way and just jump and end it all or turn around and take the long hard round through the fire burning?
Lately I've been thinking about the first choice =/
I often wonder why I was picked for this?
I just keep waiting for my time, but I'm soon gonna run out of it.
No one seem to understand it.
Nothing makes me happy.
I just wanna cry by myself in the dark, but I still have a bit in me that want's to fight.
The thought of that I have gained weight is killing me slowly because I don't like what I see in the mirror.
But I do see that I'm slowly losing some of it again and I know that I have promissed myself that I would do it the right way this time, I can't deny the that I still have the bad thoughts about just to stop eating again.
I don't get the support that I need from my family, but I can't bear to say it to them. I just end up dissapointing them, but I guess it shouldn't matter since I tend to do that a lot because I'm not like the others in my family.
I just wanna get away.
So I have been looking for apartments, so I can move away from everything, but everytime I show my father what I have found he just say the same things, "Shouldn't you wait to you have a job?" I could but then I will never get away. And staying here where I am now just makes me get worse. They just don't see it.
But when my father returns tomorrow I'm determent to convince him that it will be good for me to move, and I have already found some apartments. I just hope he will support me, but I don't expect to.

To make things worse, I had a horrible dream this night. I dreamt that my grandmother died. And soon. I have never felt like that after I woke up as I did today. And somehow some of my dreams tend to become real so I really fear for her since she has been sick a lot lately D=
I hope I'm not right!

I feel like purging =/
But I don't want to do that anymore either!

I guess I don't want to live anymore.
I feel like he has abonded me! I miss him and I want him to return to me and comfort me. Huging and raping me in the dark.
Please come back to me and never leave my sight, I'm nothing without you <3
I wanna fight the battle side by side with you. You are all to me!

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