lørdag den 16. oktober 2010

Stuffed

I really hate that feeling!
Makes me wanna purgde and just cry out through the whole night.
Which I'm pretty sure I will!

I don't think that I'll ever go back to my work again after my long break.
I simply can't focus on it and small things makes me cry or get a panich attack.
I hate being a burden for my parents because I can't seem to live a "normal" life like others, and that makes me more sad.
Even though my father says I'm not.
That's one of the reasons why I wanna move, but at the same time I don't think I'm ready to take that step.
I just don't want to be a burden for them anymore, and I wanna start a new place away from here. I don't think how much moving away means to me.

I feel scared of life. Scared of myself and the harm that I can do not only to myself but to others.
I have a demon inside of me who's fighting to get out and kill. I sometimes wanna give in to her, but I'm not fully connected so my body is not ready to make that move.

It hurts. Everywhere.
I can't sleep properly at night. And evertime I wake up in the morning I feel tired all the time because I fight so much in my dreams.
I push everyone away from me. I have reached the point where I don't even wanna dress myself up in the morning.
My psycologist asume that I'm beginning to move on and letting go of an older version of me, but he doesn't seem see that I've gotten worse. Of course he doesn't know how I was before, but I know that it's worse. I haven't done so much harm to myself as I have been doing this past year.

I just feel like giving up. I have no purpose to live. I never had that.

My head is spinning around.
I will always be in pain.

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