fredag den 30. november 2012

Not running :/

Yeah it sucks! after only two times out running my knees got so bad that I could barely walk.
So I got some strong painkillers and had to stay home for almost 2 weeks. So I have dropped running and instead I'm planning on starting in a fitness center called LOOP to go work out in. Hopefully I can get time to go every day or at least 4 days a week! :D
 
I need to lose weight! I feel so fat! So it's gonna be good working out even more than I do already. ( I workout everyday)

NEED MONEY :D




I'm so in love with these pieces I just found on ebay! ^w^
I like this last Blazer with the bows on it is just so pretty that I got to own it (some day xD), it is also the most expensive ones of alle the items.
Maybe if I win some big cash in the furture <3 gonna="gonna" happen="happen" like="like" lol="lol" p="p" s="s" that="that">

onsdag den 31. oktober 2012

Running!

Yesterday I finally pulled myself together to start to run. AND I LOVED IT!
It was damn cold and hard the first minute but after that I found a good rythm.
So I made a deal with one of my friends to run every Thursday and Tuesdays.

So hopefully that will help me lose some more weight and shape my body the way I want.

søndag den 21. oktober 2012

New Shoes on th way to my closet!

http://nlyscandinavia.scene7.com/is/image/nlyscandinavia/428278-0014_1?$productPress$#fullScreenZoom
Just ordered these shoes at Nelly.com
Couldn't resist! ^-^'

Next on my orderlist is gonna be this Underworld corset that Selene is wearing in the movies! I hope I can get it soon, Just have to save up some moneys and it one day (hopefully soon) it will be mine! My own! My precious! lol 



I also got a new phone from my old working place as a goodbye gift <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">It's a Samsung Galaxy S2, it is so awesome, love the design it has.

I've also done some new jewellery, I'll take some pictures soon and upload them.

The new work place www.trademarkliving.dk is okay, I still really miss the old work but I hope I can come to enjoy working with furnitures. Lucky me, I still get to work a bit for my old boss once or twice a week so that's nice.

bye bye out there ^-^

lørdag den 8. september 2012

Being creative












As I said in my last Blog I have been doing a lot of different creative things lately all these pictures are of all the rings, necklesses, headbows and more that I have made.
This last picture is a little Hello Kitty make-up or wallet she bought for me <3 also="also" and="and" angel="angel" as="as" br="br" exactly="exactly" friends="friends" had="had" heart="heart" her="her" is="is" looked="looked" make="make" me.="me." my="my" of="of" one="one" same="same" she="she" sister="sister" that="that" the="the" them="them">

fredag den 31. august 2012

Last day D':

Today was unfortunately my last day at my work. I stayed strong at work but when i got out to my bike I broke down in tears.
I've been working there fore almost two years now, and my boss who's a friend of the family has become like a second father for me so it was really sad.
I know I'm still gonna visit him at his own home to help out with the pieces of the company he kept but it's just not gonna be the same.
I feel like I got hit by a truck and I haven't really realized it yet. But I'm sure on Monday it will hit me even harder.
I just feel so empty inside, Like the whole life I finally started to live is being taken away from me.

feeling the loneliness and darkness raise around me to consume me..

søndag den 29. juli 2012

This and that...

This dress is so freaking pretty! If I have enough money when we hit the 1th of August I'm gonna get it! Mwuhahahah.... Lol...
I've actually been really creative these last days so I have made a lot of rings, hairbands and other accessories and few clothes. maybe I'll post some of them here ^w^
I made a few rings for my sister and  have already made two hairbows for her with eyeballs on xD 





<------------- That is my ultra cute cat Lulubel <3
She is so adorable and funny. I'm so glad I got her, eventhough I don't really can afford having her, but I don't care, she makes me happy, and I just love laying with her in my bed.



Lol... I absolutely love this picture of the Disney princesses! xD
My friend sent it to me.
I'd like to see how that story would have looked like if they were like that in  the movies instead being "pretty".
Zombie princesses would be a greater movie!
*gets an idea* I'm gonna make disney horror movies!!! Woop!
Still figthing with the voices' in my head telling me too get sickly skinny again!
I can't help it. I think it's pretty <3 I don't think that will ever change.











Last weekend I went to a wedding and my mother said out of the blue "Your rings will fit again when you gain more weight".
It pissed me off and ruined my day. I have already gained a bit over 10 kg. since I was at my lowest. They my not see it but I do and I feel it. I hate myself every day for it. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgust by my look. I'm gonna loose a bit weight wether they like it or not. I wanna feel better with myself agian. So I'm gonna hit it for around 46-48 kg.
Other then that I feel rather crappy this week but it's because I haven't got my medicin beccause they just raised the prices like hell so I haven't been able to afford them, so I'm out of energy, feel tired all the time but can't sleep. When I stand up too much or just sit up I sometimes become so dizzy that I feel like passing out. The first 2-3 days after not having my medicin at work I could barely keep myself standing. Hell I couldn't even smile. It was like when I was at my lowest in my depression and Eating disorder! and that place I do not wish to go again! Then people my say "eat more!" I do eat a lot more then I ussed to and before when I took my medicin that wasn't a problem at all. I jumped around and had lots of energy, and most of all I could sleep a bit better.
Just too much crape these last days. For some reason they have increased my income with 500 kr. a month! That's a lot when I already barely can afford my bills and the only reason I can afford food is because my parents are helping me. And I so much fucking hate it! And then a few weeks ago I said to my father Thanks again for helping me and sorry that you have to pay for my food. He just smashed in my face " oh well, you know what you have to do about that!" Yeah I know don't you think I'm trying? wtf! It's not easy, and I also think about the same thing over a huondreds of times a day too so I don't need even more people to rub it in my face and especially not him. He thinks that I can do better without medicin, but you know what take a fucking look at me now I feel like hanging myself at the moment. My mother on the other hand thinks that everything is just perfect when I'm on medicin and that I'm "well" again, but also that is just not how it works.
Jesus I'm tired in my head right know, and all this anger makes my head spin even morer.
So see ya! <3

fredag den 4. maj 2012

I'm so stupid...

...I just fuck up everything.
It's like I can't do anything right.
This weekend have really started bad out for me.
First I eat a little candy, thinking that this time will be diffirent but end up making myself sick and through it all up again. Felling rather crappy and sick this morning, feels like Im gonna pass out any minute. Suddenly I get a messanger from my boss about a sim card I send out monday and aparently I messed it all up. Got a panich attack and almost cut myself again. Now I can't relax for the rest of the weekend. Can't rest before my mistakes are fixed. All the mistakes I keep on making. I'm simply no use at all. I don't understand why he even  bothers to have me around the shop for help when I keep fuck up everything.

I just don't belong here... I wanna run away... alone....

fredag den 27. april 2012

Never good enough...

She's just keep starring back at me in the mirror, telling me how ugly and fat I am.
Showing me all the places on my body I hate. All the fat.
I wanna cry but there's no tears coming from my eyes.
I keep looking at that one specific picture, the only picture I ever took of myself when I was almost at my lowest. I sure miss that.... I wanna go back to that.. I liked my body the most there. Alle the bones showing. They still do, but it's not enough for me...
I keep reminding myself everyday where I wanna go everytime I look at my phone. I have set the picture as my background.
It has been there for such a long time but somehow it seem like it doesn't help. My weight is not dropping unfortunately. I'm staying at the same weight and it kills me. I know it's "only" 8 kg. I've gained since that picture which were taken over 2 years ago. I don't wanna lose them all, just the half.
It sucks....
So much I made myself sick. I just couldn't take the thought of having anything in my stomach. I hope it doesn't get worse because I don't wanna end up purging up the small amount of food up everyday.

I have nothing left... I just feel cold...


søndag den 22. april 2012

Finally!

Fuck yeah! I finally cracked!
For the last 5 years I have had a male friend from Rome that I have been writing with. Aparently he's got some stronger feelings for me, while I haven't. He's becoming even more annoying and to be frankly a pain in the as to talk to. I felt so stalked.
I've been feeling so crappy lately so his shitty stalking mails was just not what I needed! I completely cracked and told him that I actually didn't want to talk to him anymore.
Just fuck off alright? I'm so tired, so just leave me the fuck alone!

AHHH It felt really good to finally tell him what I really thought of him xD

Now! I'll try to heal myself a bit...


Miss you my friend <3
You didn't deserve it, and I feel it's my fault!

søndag den 15. april 2012

Tanker....

Mit hoved er ved at eksplodere af alle de tanker.
Tanker om alt og intet. Det er mega forvirrende. Man sover dårligt og har lyst til at lukke sig inde i sin lejlighed og få det til at stoppe, men jeg er begyndt at accepterer at dette bare ikke er muligt for mig.
Det kan godt være at mit kropssprog ikke lige just udstråler en masse energi, men indeni er jeg nærmest ved at sprække.
Jeg kan ikke holde koncentrationen særlig længe ad gangen på ting. Det gælder også samtaler!
Man kan stå at snakke til mig, men er der noget andet som en lille lyd som fanger mig kort så kan man næsten ligeså godt glemme at fortælle mig mere, for selvom jeg stadig måske står der er jeg et helt andet sted inde i mit hoved. Det er ligesom et lille barn man står og snakker til og så kommer der en sommerfugl forbi og så løber jeg efter den i stedet for.
Har på det sidste desværre også haft lidt flere angst anfald. Gid det ikke var sådan, og når man så siger det til min mor for hun det til at lyde som om man intet fejler fordi hun ikke helt kan sætte sig ind i situationen og det irriterer mig lidt at hun bare tager så let på det.
Jeg føler lidt at mig og min mor er gledet lidt fra hinanden på det sidste. Men i stedet for er mit bånd til min far blevet mega stærkt! Det er virkelig noget jeg har længtes efter. Og selvom det måske lyder lidt ondt at sige så er jeg på en måde glad for at han kom tilskade med at falde ned fra taget. Det har gjort at vi endelig har kunnet åbne op for hinanden fordi vi har tilbragt så meget tid sammen. Fået fortalt ham en masse ting jeg ikke før har kunnet sige til ham.
Og i de tider hvor jeg virkelig er nede i et dybt hul så er et kram fra ham det eneste jeg faktisk vil have som trøst. Det lyder underligt, men tror det er fordi hans tilstedeværelse i min barndom har været så fraværende, at det at han er der for mig nu, har gjort at det bare er det der lige skal til for at jeg for en stund kan få det lidt bedre igen.
Det er bare lidt besværligt når man er flyttet selvom vi ikke just bor så langt fra hinanden.
Selvom det ikke rigtig længere hjælper at cutte gør jeg det stadig og frygter lidt at det er fordi det ikke bliver gjort hårdt nok, at jeg ender med at gøre noget helt vildt dumt og ender med at blive indlagt.
Min chef (reserve far) kom nok også med en lidt dum ting at sige. Jeg arbejder jo med at reparere mobiler og skal nogle gange skrabe lim af skærmende og manglede noget til det og så sagde han at jeg skulle smutte på apoteket for at købe nogle skalpeller til det. Ikke smart at få af vide som cutter at man kan købe dem der. Jeg tror bare ikke lige at han tænkte på, at jeg nok kunne finde på at gøre sådan noget bare fordi det går nogenlunde godt på arbejdet.
Men ellers er jeg glad for det!
Så hjælp mig! Skift jeres mobil selskab ud til Multitel, når jeg 1000 kunder bliver jeg fastansat med løn i stedet for at være der igennem kommunen! :)

www.multitel.dk


Love this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1QGnq9jUU0&list=LL5EVYKURUqkFVkYGdu5M1gQ&feature=mh_lolz

tirsdag den 20. marts 2012

way too long...!

Ja det er godt nok ved at være længe siden jeg har skrevet!
Det er lige godt for ring! Men har simpelthen haft travlt og har ikke rigtig haft lyst da jeg det sidste stykke tid har følt mig ret tom indeni.
Der er sket så mange ting. Nogle gode andre dårlige.

Jeg har langt om længe fået mine øjne laser behandlet så jeg ikke skal bruge hverken kontaktlinser eller briller længere. Det er super dejligt, men det tog mig også en del tid at spare op især når man er på kontanthjælp og er udeboende.

Derudover har jeg jo fået en anden lejlighed og den meget dyrer end min gamle! sucks når man som sagt er på kontanthjælp. Boligstøtte har jeg søgt men da min husleje er over halvdelen kan jeg ikke få støtten og sagen er nu videre til nævnet. Ikke fedt! og der er gået over en måned nu siden jeg har hørt fra dem. Men yeah jeg kan bel ikke forvente noget hurtigt svar når de skriver at de opklarer sagen indenfor 20 uger O.o' wtf! så lang tid kan de sku da ikke forvente man skal kunne vente, når man har en økonomi der sejler! Jeg har regninger der strømmer ind og når de alle er betalt går min konto i -500 kr. hver måned og det er uden mad og drikke.
Det er simpelthen så fucked up.
Også giver kommunen mig skylden ved at skrive "Du vidste jo godt inden du flyttede at du ikke ville have råd til det"
So what! Prøv lige selv at finde en billig lejlighed her! og ikke en skrumpet et-værelset lejlighed! Jeg får bare angst anfald i stedet for hvis det bliver for småt og indlukket omkring mig. Men okay hvis de vil gøre mig mere syg end hvad jeg er i forvejen og ikke hjælpe jamen så good luck.
Jeg føler virkelig at de pisser på de svage i samfundet.
Jeg prøver jo virkelig at gøre et forsøg! Jeg er i praktik et sted jeg elsker at være, jeg har ligeså stille arbejdet mit timetal op på 20 timer om ugen. Jeg gør sku da nogle fremskridt.
Har virkelig ingen anelse om hvad der foregår inde i deres hoveder. Jeg kan virkelig blive sur på systemet men man kan jo ikke gøre noget.

Derudover stopper min læge her d. 1 april. Fedt! -_-' nu skal jeg til at sætte en ny en ind i sagen og starte forfra. Det orker jeg virkelig ikke. Plus det er en mand der træder til, og det frygter jeg eftersom jeg er har opdaget at meget af min angst er overfor mænd generelt.
Også fik jeg også afvide at min konsulent stopper til d. 1 Come ooon! give me break. Jeg kan virkelig ikke mere snart.

Heldigvis er min far i bedring men der er stadig lang vej. Det gør så ondt på mig hver gang at se ham. Men så igen det gør det nok også på ham når han ser mig fordi han ved jeg har det dårligt.
Underligt at de dage jeg virkelig er nede og ked af det, så er det eneste jeg tænker på lige at give ham et kram, ved ikke hvorfor jeg har det sådan. Alle andre kan bare pisse af men lige hans kram betyder meget for mig. Og inden min øjenoperatioin fortalte han også at han var stolt af mig. Jeg blev helt paf og så strømmede tårende ellers ud på mig. Det er første gang han nogensinde har sagt det til mig.

hmm ellers har mit humør været nogenlunde okay. På arbejdet kan jeg ligesom få lidt pusterum og når jeg så kommer hjem er jeg bare træt og knækker sammen med det samme. Og det gør at weekenden også nærmest bliver sovet væk fordi jeg er så udmattet...

Nåh jeg vil videre i teksten ;)

tirsdag den 24. januar 2012

FAT!!

Ja jeg er så ualmindelig grim og tyk.

Jeg håber virkelig på at smide de kg. jeg har taget på fordi andre har tvunget mig til det. Ingen af dem ser det men det gør jeg altså.
Det er så ulækkert. Jeg kan ikke holde ud at se på mig selv.
På det seneste har jeg kunnet mærke den følelse igen, kan mærke hvordan den vender tilbage. Hvordan jeg vil til at lyve igen om min mad, hvordan jeg kan undgå at spise. Træne mere... Jeg vil så gerne.
Det bliver sikkert min død, men det har jeg accepteret...

Gid andre ville det samme...

søndag den 15. januar 2012

Uncomfortable..

It has been way too long since I have been blogging!
I think I have too much going on in my mind right now... yet agian :/
Seem like I'm not getting any peace at all.

It all got even more crazy in my mind after the second Sunday of December when I got a call I have always feared to get! My mother called me just before lunch time, completely out of breath. She was on the way to the hospital emergency room! My father had fallen down from the roof of our cottage!
No one didn't really knew what exactly was wrong with him! Mom couldn't get in touch with any of the others in my family and said I had to try call them for her.
After the call ended I took like five minutes were I bursted into tears and almost got a panic attack. I didn't really knew what to do about myself for some time.
But I finally pulled together to contact my other siblings. After serveral calls I only got in touch with one of my older brothers. He know of me having a more special relationship with my father so he said he would take over for me an get in touch with the others.
It didn't take long for my sister to call me back to comfort me because she knows how depressed I get in tough times.
A little later my olders brother also called to hear how I was doing. Eventhough he was at a friends Baptism and I told him not to worry about me he came up to visit me an hour later.
That day was the longest day of my life. Not knowing what was going on, not being able to be there to support my mother.
Finally after hours o crying my eyes out she called to let me know how he was doing. He had broken his hip and was probably going under the knife the same evening because of the extreme pain.
My mother came home to me just before dinner got something to eat and than we took off to the hospital but we had to go by the cottage first because my mother forgot to lock up the door before leaving.
I didn't like when I arrived at the emergency room. The smell of death and pain.
My father was in a really bad shape and i almost couldn't hold my tears back. I can't stand to see him in so much pain. I feared his had would stop. His breathing was so heavy and his puls was racing.
Fortunately he got under the knife that evening.
And he got home from the hospital 3 days later. He still looked really bad with all the scratches on his face and hands.
It is hard for him but he's doing a lot better now and trying to keep his mood high inder the circumstances. He may still have to be home from work for over another month i not more. I'm just glad to have him back.
I is also hard for me I have to get up early every morning to make food for him and get all other things done before I go to work and then go shopping after work because mom doesn't have done it when she gets of work.
I'm really beginning to get exusted in my mind but I try to push it away. I just wonder how much more my own body can keep on taking.

On top of that I still haven't got my own apartment.
I hate myself more and more for every day that passes by.
I just got on some new medicin that completely messed me up the first days, though they are making me feel a bit better now.

The only good thing at the moment is that I got approved for an laser surgery on my eyes so I won't have to use contactlenses or glasses anymore. So I'm gonna get it fixed the 16th of February and I'm really excited! It's really expensive but totally worth it!
Father told me that is was brave of me to go through such thing and called it a great strength in me. I just kinda pushed that compliment away and said I don't really fear things I can do to make some sort of harm on myself.
But yeah I'm really pleased that I can get it done since I got told the first two times that I couldn't.

I have more to write down but I'll do that later. I'm too tired right now.