tirsdag den 24. januar 2012

FAT!!

Ja jeg er så ualmindelig grim og tyk.

Jeg håber virkelig på at smide de kg. jeg har taget på fordi andre har tvunget mig til det. Ingen af dem ser det men det gør jeg altså.
Det er så ulækkert. Jeg kan ikke holde ud at se på mig selv.
På det seneste har jeg kunnet mærke den følelse igen, kan mærke hvordan den vender tilbage. Hvordan jeg vil til at lyve igen om min mad, hvordan jeg kan undgå at spise. Træne mere... Jeg vil så gerne.
Det bliver sikkert min død, men det har jeg accepteret...

Gid andre ville det samme...

søndag den 15. januar 2012

Uncomfortable..

It has been way too long since I have been blogging!
I think I have too much going on in my mind right now... yet agian :/
Seem like I'm not getting any peace at all.

It all got even more crazy in my mind after the second Sunday of December when I got a call I have always feared to get! My mother called me just before lunch time, completely out of breath. She was on the way to the hospital emergency room! My father had fallen down from the roof of our cottage!
No one didn't really knew what exactly was wrong with him! Mom couldn't get in touch with any of the others in my family and said I had to try call them for her.
After the call ended I took like five minutes were I bursted into tears and almost got a panic attack. I didn't really knew what to do about myself for some time.
But I finally pulled together to contact my other siblings. After serveral calls I only got in touch with one of my older brothers. He know of me having a more special relationship with my father so he said he would take over for me an get in touch with the others.
It didn't take long for my sister to call me back to comfort me because she knows how depressed I get in tough times.
A little later my olders brother also called to hear how I was doing. Eventhough he was at a friends Baptism and I told him not to worry about me he came up to visit me an hour later.
That day was the longest day of my life. Not knowing what was going on, not being able to be there to support my mother.
Finally after hours o crying my eyes out she called to let me know how he was doing. He had broken his hip and was probably going under the knife the same evening because of the extreme pain.
My mother came home to me just before dinner got something to eat and than we took off to the hospital but we had to go by the cottage first because my mother forgot to lock up the door before leaving.
I didn't like when I arrived at the emergency room. The smell of death and pain.
My father was in a really bad shape and i almost couldn't hold my tears back. I can't stand to see him in so much pain. I feared his had would stop. His breathing was so heavy and his puls was racing.
Fortunately he got under the knife that evening.
And he got home from the hospital 3 days later. He still looked really bad with all the scratches on his face and hands.
It is hard for him but he's doing a lot better now and trying to keep his mood high inder the circumstances. He may still have to be home from work for over another month i not more. I'm just glad to have him back.
I is also hard for me I have to get up early every morning to make food for him and get all other things done before I go to work and then go shopping after work because mom doesn't have done it when she gets of work.
I'm really beginning to get exusted in my mind but I try to push it away. I just wonder how much more my own body can keep on taking.

On top of that I still haven't got my own apartment.
I hate myself more and more for every day that passes by.
I just got on some new medicin that completely messed me up the first days, though they are making me feel a bit better now.

The only good thing at the moment is that I got approved for an laser surgery on my eyes so I won't have to use contactlenses or glasses anymore. So I'm gonna get it fixed the 16th of February and I'm really excited! It's really expensive but totally worth it!
Father told me that is was brave of me to go through such thing and called it a great strength in me. I just kinda pushed that compliment away and said I don't really fear things I can do to make some sort of harm on myself.
But yeah I'm really pleased that I can get it done since I got told the first two times that I couldn't.

I have more to write down but I'll do that later. I'm too tired right now.