It was so beautiful to wake up to the day after Christmas. Eventhough I don't really like this time of the year I had a great time with my family.
There's been loads of ups and downs lately, but I'm still alive.
I feared going to my parents at Christmas because my sister was gonna be there and I hadn't spoken to her for month. She needed a break from me and all my problems and I thought she hated me, but she was still my big sister and sweet on the day. I also did my best not to let it get to me and talk to her like nothing happend and not to mention any of it.
Another problem with this Christmas was that it was at my parents, and when we're at their house my brother and his girlfriend would also be there. I love hanging out with them and I really approve of his girlfriend, she's really awesome, but because she is so skinny eventhough she eats like a man it triggers my eating disorder. So yesterday it finally hit like a rock and I have been feeling like shit.
It didn't make it any better that I had to spend yet another day with them today where there was a lot of food involved.
I still don't eat "normal" yet and I know in my heart that I don't want to, I try to keep it raw, but somehow I always end up trying eating normal just to please people around me and I always end up with two fingers in my throat to get it out.
I don't know when I'll ever learn.
I don't think I'll ever get rid of it, but I will try to learn how to live with it and not let in control me. I do need help and I will get that when I have finished my appointments with my psychiatrist at the hospital. I have had one talk so far to find out if I am psychotic, so since we're not done I don't know yet, but it seems that I am. And also I have a high potential of having ADD, but we will find out more in the new year to my next appointment. I was suppose to go the day before Christmas but had a terrible flue and I'm still in recovery.
So life is a bit in progress!
I also try to get out more, but it's not going well, it's still hard as fuck. Over the last couple of month I have made two new friends! I know it was through the internet, but I have meet them a few times now and one have become so close that we have become like siblings!! It's really fun to tell people because we look so far a like.
The other friend actually live in the same neighbourhood as me, and we haven't bumped into each other before which is really strange, we then found out that he went to the same elementary school as me but he went a class over me.
Eventhough we're very different in many ways, with music, clothes and such, we're both totally mental fucked up! it's brilliant!
And weird enough it seem like I have developed feelings for him. I have never felt like this for anyone! And it bothers me so freakin bad because he doesn't want anything to do with feelings because they are such an annoyance! I haven't told him anything because I fear the outcome of it and I'd like to wait to see if there maybe could be more to it. It's very new for me to feel like this, I normally automatically just shut every emotions away and never let anyone come close. But he just seem to have slipped through all these barriers I have shielded myself behind for most of my life.
Phew I don't want to write more for now, but I hope for the best to come in the new year and who knows, maybe I'll find love again.
Yeah I totally forgot all about my blog again!! D:
Things have just been crazy so I haven't really had any time to sit down properly and write.
Lately I stopped working because of my health was getting worse :/
So now I have started to a psychologist again and soon a psychiatrist since I'm psychotic, so I will probably have to get more medicin! Yay me!! :/
But I have been home a lot lately so I've had lots of time to be creative <3 nbsp="" p="">
This one I called "Secret World"
It took a lot of work but I'm pretty happy with the end result ^-^
I've also been doing a lot of accessories <3 nbsp="" p="">
So this is just a small amount of what I have been doing, think I made 5 drawings in total and sewn and modified a lot of clothes.
I need to get better at making my blog, since I like to keep a track on myself. When I feel good and down, and when I make progress.
So Easter have been here and I have been soooo busy that I don't feel like I have had time to relaxe!
The first few days I was at work and had a few extra hours due to all the work that needed to be done.
And when the first day off came I thought I would sleep long and all day enjoying the weather, but of course I woke up early and then spent the whole day sewing!
I made a new skirt! finally I got it done! -_-'
I also made a T-shirt decorated with the dear grumpy cat and some frills and a bow on it!
Then I made two pairs of wristcuffs <3 a="" and="" but="" choker="" i="" last="" least="" made="" not="" p="">So when I was done I was 10 pm (I'll upload Pictures later), I still couldn't sleep and I had to clean my apartment for next day since I was gonna get my lovely friend Mette over <3 be="" because="" br="" but="" cleaning="" cruel="" dirt.="" got="" hour="" i="" it="" just="" late="" me="" of="" rid="" so="" start="" the="" to="" worst="" would="">
I was still not very tired so I got on my gym bik and took out 33 km!
After that round I slept like a little baby <3 p="">Also I need to exercise way much more Again and eat less agian. I know that I'm still very sick with my ED and that stuff, but yeah, I don't look like it anymore and I really miss that look. I know I'm crazy and I need help, but I don't really feel like getting the help. I'm just not ready even though I been here for sooo many years now.
Anyway! I got my friend over and we had so much fun! I never laugh as much as I do when I'm with her <3 nbsp="" p="">And in the evening I went to visit my parents very short since they got home from their vacation.
I was planning on relaxing Saturday and do some meditating but my parents thought that we should take a tripe to the german border and do some shopping! I do love shopping but damn all those people!
I completely freaked out. I tried to hide it and you know hold out. And I did. But at the cost of a Sunday were I bearly couldn't do anything because I was still all shaking and my mind was off.
I should have been out but we had to cancel because of my pore health.
Monday was a bit better so visited and old friend who I haven't seen for many month.
And then of course I had to do something stupid again -__-''
I drove the car over a rock so I was stuck! (I hadn't seen it at all!!!)
I got really freaked so I got an anxiety attack, because I was so scared that I had crashed another of my parents cars, but luckely nothing happend!
So this Easter could have been better, but I still like the things that went well.
Tomorrow I'm gonna get myself a pair of really pro fangs! it's gonna be awesome <3 p="">And last but not least I hope to get my mind more calm so I can perform better rituals, get working on witchcraft more and use my Ouija Board!
Damn it's been a long time since I've been bloggin. I have had so much going on lately that I haven't had that much time at my own computer to keep track on life. I hope I get better at this -_-'
Well, I'm still struggeling a lot with my depression, anxiety and eating disorder, but a lot has also changed for me. I've got a job now, my internship ended when the new year began and after that he hired me! I'm not full time but almost! I takes away so much guilt that I have felt for being so depending on my parents these last years because I haven't been able to take properly care of myself.
I made progress in eating out with others! I haven't done that for that past.. like.. 6 years or so? It was for our company christmas dinner party. I didn't quit eat the same as the others, but I ate!!! it's such a big step for me, and after that we went to a bar to continue the party. Before I went I had a majoy anxiety attack but when I took something to relaxe myself and felt comfortable with the people around me I felt better and we had such a great time and somehow I hope that we can do it again soon! ^w^
Also coming up next week is my 25th birthday! It's not going to be anything big, but just close family and friends to dinner and later we'll go to a local bar to listen to my brother and his band play. They are called Maggies View! So that's gonna be interresting :-D
And also recieved great news from my sister, her and her boyfriend is gonna get married this summer!! I can't wait! I felt like I had been drinking too much coffé and couldn't calm down again of all this happiness for her!
So I try to look positive at this new year and hopefully making progress in every aspect of my life, especially getting in more contact with the spirits aroundd me and my lovely demon. Embrace myself and see how I really am.
Let the journey begin!!!