It was so beautiful to wake up to the day after Christmas. Eventhough I don't really like this time of the year I had a great time with my family.
There's been loads of ups and downs lately, but I'm still alive.
I feared going to my parents at Christmas because my sister was gonna be there and I hadn't spoken to her for month. She needed a break from me and all my problems and I thought she hated me, but she was still my big sister and sweet on the day. I also did my best not to let it get to me and talk to her like nothing happend and not to mention any of it.
Another problem with this Christmas was that it was at my parents, and when we're at their house my brother and his girlfriend would also be there. I love hanging out with them and I really approve of his girlfriend, she's really awesome, but because she is so skinny eventhough she eats like a man it triggers my eating disorder. So yesterday it finally hit like a rock and I have been feeling like shit.
It didn't make it any better that I had to spend yet another day with them today where there was a lot of food involved.
I still don't eat "normal" yet and I know in my heart that I don't want to, I try to keep it raw, but somehow I always end up trying eating normal just to please people around me and I always end up with two fingers in my throat to get it out.
I don't know when I'll ever learn.
I don't think I'll ever get rid of it, but I will try to learn how to live with it and not let in control me. I do need help and I will get that when I have finished my appointments with my psychiatrist at the hospital. I have had one talk so far to find out if I am psychotic, so since we're not done I don't know yet, but it seems that I am. And also I have a high potential of having ADD, but we will find out more in the new year to my next appointment. I was suppose to go the day before Christmas but had a terrible flue and I'm still in recovery.
So life is a bit in progress!
I also try to get out more, but it's not going well, it's still hard as fuck. Over the last couple of month I have made two new friends! I know it was through the internet, but I have meet them a few times now and one have become so close that we have become like siblings!! It's really fun to tell people because we look so far a like.
The other friend actually live in the same neighbourhood as me, and we haven't bumped into each other before which is really strange, we then found out that he went to the same elementary school as me but he went a class over me.
Eventhough we're very different in many ways, with music, clothes and such, we're both totally mental fucked up! it's brilliant!
And weird enough it seem like I have developed feelings for him. I have never felt like this for anyone! And it bothers me so freakin bad because he doesn't want anything to do with feelings because they are such an annoyance! I haven't told him anything because I fear the outcome of it and I'd like to wait to see if there maybe could be more to it. It's very new for me to feel like this, I normally automatically just shut every emotions away and never let anyone come close. But he just seem to have slipped through all these barriers I have shielded myself behind for most of my life.
Phew I don't want to write more for now, but I hope for the best to come in the new year and who knows, maybe I'll find love again.